June 26, 2015- Communication

I had to talk to our neighbor when I was leaving the house for my therapy appointment. He was planting flowers in his yard. I had prayed that he would temporarily go inside so I could avoid this. Just saying hello and commenting on how nice the flowers are was a major effort.

   Yesterday, I was  about to take the bag out to the garbage can but when I saw our other neighbor out in his yard I put it down and waited until he went back inside before doing this. It’s not as if he is a monster that I should be fearful of but to me most interactions with people are frightening.

   I keep putting off getting a haircut because I am too anxious to call for an appointment and also about having to make small talk with the stylist when I am there.

   I am feeling less like talking to people now than ever before. It is just too difficult and mentally exhausting. I don’t have much to say and I am not that good at expressing myself. I really don’t even like the sound of my own voice. Also, it mostly feels like I am putting on a big act. I prefer just being an observer.

   Amy said that we will have to work on this issue but I don’t see how it would be possible for me to ever feel comfortable socializing. I am sure that most people would think that it is strange that it is so hard for me.

   I am the complete opposite of my brother who is very talkative even to strangers. I have moments when I feel less uneasy speaking to people but not that often. I am better at it in my dreams. If only this could be the case in reality too.

   Sometimes, Mike doesn’t understand what I am telling him so I have to re-explain myself which is frustrating. I have to do this for Mom and even my therapist occasionally too. Did I not say things clearly or do they just not get it? I mostly blame myself for not being good at communication.

    At times he criticizes what I am saying and/or tries to correct the way that I have done so. This makes me kind of afraid to even talk to him. He also does this to Mom.

   I often have to repeat myself to Mom and Mike because of their hearing problems and/or the fact that they aren’t really paying that much attention to me. Saying things the first time is hard enough so doing this again is tiring.

    It is also upsetting that they sometimes think that I am speaking in an angry tone which is far from the truth. I am a low talker so my voice just may sound like I am yelling when I raise it. They-particularly my brother-don’t seem to believe this, however.

   My brother occasionally will change the subject that I have brought up partway through our conversation because he seems bored and would rather talk about himself/his interests. This is pretty rude and upsetting.

   Occasionally, I worry that perhaps other people are also kind of uninterested in what I have to say. I have felt this way for a long time. I am sure that Amy would tell me that I need to change these negative types of thoughts. That is going to be very difficult.