We still miss you, Buffy

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of our special spaniel Buffy's death. We still miss her very much and think of her everday. She is sitting on the farm scene chair with her pet rock which was her favourite toy. She looks like she is in deep thought in the bottom photo. Some days when I'm feeling blue I picture myself giving her a big squeeze hug like I used to do often and this cheers me up. I hope that I get to see her again in the afterlife.

Overwhelmed

I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed these days. I haven't been able to even think straight to use the computer. I have many ideas and photos for posts but my head feels like it's going to explode just thinking about which to use next and what to write about it. Thoughts of my Buffy and Mookie are the only thing that is keeping me calm now. Maybe I've already used this photo. They both looked so relaxed. I miss them alot. There is so many things to be done on the computer like sending my tennis photos to Walgreens to be printed out, reading and commenting on my friend's posts here, looking up recipes at Food Network and more. I think that the stress that I am getting from being constantly criticized by my brother and having to put up with his many bad behaviors like being a control freak and complaining alot has made my brain feel drained of energy. I hope that I can somehow recharge it and get back to doing the things that I enjoy like connecting with everyone here. I hope that you have all been doing well lately. And thank you very much for stopping by and for your nice comments which if I haven't replied to yet will try to do so soon.

Happy 4th of July

Here are my Star Spangled spaniel Buffy and Yankee Doodle Mookie in pictures from the early 2000s. Mom made their holiday bandanas. I can't believe that it has been 6 years without Mookie and nearly 8 months without our Buffy. I think about them everyday.

My 4th of July memories are of going over to our family friend's house in Elizabeth for a barbecue/pool party then watching the fireworks in a park nearby throughout the 70's and 80's. We did so only once in the early 90's. I was living in Pittsburgh during the summer of 1989 and saw a nice fireworks dislplay set to music. The last time that I went to one of those was either in 1999 or 2000 with my boyfriend somewhere in Central-west Jersey.

I can't remember the last time that we actually put out our flag for this holiday. Probably the late 1980's. We still have our old one from the early 70's. It's in a box in the basement behind our storage totes. I have a patriotic t-shirt with a flag and golden retreiver puppies on it that I probably will wear this year. I wish that I still had the bear one that my aunt made me in the late 80's though.

I hope that everyone has a very Happy 4th of July.

Our Mookie

I keep writing about our Buffy pup and feel bad that I have only mentioned our Mookie a little bit and that was a while ago. This picture is from 1993. She looks so adorable. We got her in October 1992 from friends of the family who already had 4 doggies and someone had given them Mookie because they didn't want her anymore. At first I didn't really like her because I didn't want another doggie, not after what had happened to my Ginger 6 years earlier but eventually I grew to love her too. She is a terrier, Llhasa Apso mix. She was about 2 years old here and we had her until 2005 when she got so sick that we had to have her put to sleep. She was a very playful doggie and loved her stuffed llama and football.

Buffy Memories 2

Poor Buffy - she really needed under her eyes to be cleaned here. I had 2 containers of eye cleansing pads ordered from a catalog and feel bad that I didn't use them that much on her. She didn't mind when I did unlike my other dog Mookie who did not like this at all. Doesn't she look so cute in her little bed? We got that when she was a puppy on the day that we adopted her into our family. We probably could've gotten her a bigger one when she grew up but she just loved sleeping in that one so we didn't. I just had to put that bow on her head that Christmas of 1998, she was like a present from God that year and I'm so glad that we found her. Mom and I were talking about how very much that we missed her yesterday so I just had to do a post about her today.

Scrapbook Stuff 2

These past 2 days I have been going through my scrapbooks and getting rid of things in them and it's not because my brother says that I have way too much stuff. I just don't feel the need to keep some of it anymore. I will not toss out any of the 8x10 or 4x6 photos like the b&w one of Jon Bon Jovi in this post. I used to cut out articles from the newspapers and magazines like the TV Guide, People and Entertainment Weekly. I also would spend lots of money on ink for the printer and print out photos of the stars that I like. I did alot of Duran Duran photos that way. Well, as of last night a majority of the DD stuff is in the recycle bag. I am not sure if I will be doing the same to my Bon Jovi scrapbook yet or not. Will I be regretting this purging of possesions like I have in the past? I hope not, but I don't think that I will this time. I am no longer that into any of these stars and shows. I have so many scrapbooks. Today I did the Buffy the Vampire Slayer one. I can't believe how much I was into that show. I even named my dog after the main character with the middle name of another one - Willow. I will not be tossing out any of the items from my doggies and other animals scrapbooks - they are too cute to part with. Animals have much more significance to me than famous people anyhow.

Buffy Memories 1

Everytime that mom went upstairs, Buffy would either follow her or stay at the bottom of the steps waiting for her to come back down. She was so attached to her grandma. February 18th would've been her 13th birthday. I was thinking about her alot today. Mom said that she really wishes that we could get another cocker spaniel but this definitely can't be in our budget.

A Buffy Video

I've never done video here before - I hope that it works. This is a clip of our Buffy that my brother took on his camera. We both wish that we had taken lots of videos of her. I took some on my camera also but on 4 clips I stupidly switched the angle of the camera during it. I was able to figure out how to fix this on Windows Movie Maker and did one clip so far only I probably could've done a better job on it. Mom says it's fine. I kind of said a curse word during one when mom got in the way which I feel bad about. I guess audio can be edited too but it might take me a while to figure that out. We didn't take videos of her until the final couple days of her life. I keep thinking of all the other cute videos and photos we could've taken but I should just be greatful for what we have. I never even thought about using my camera for videos before this, I thought that it would be too hard to figure that out and it wasn't even that difficult. Mark says that there is a way to pause it while filming - I'll have to look that up. Not that I have much to take video of anymore. I hope that everyone has a wonderful New Year. This will be my last post until 2011.

My Final Buffy Photos

I know that this is starting to seem like a Buffy blog, but I just had to post a couple of my very last photos of Buffy. I only wish that I had taken alot more of them. I don't usually like being in pictures but I just had to have mom take a few of Buffy and I together. I should've posted the one of her looking up at the camera though. I took 198 photos of her in about 6 weeks. I sent them to the Walgreens site to be printed out. I keep thinking about cute shots that I could have taken over the years like her playing in the snow. She was such an adorable puppy but I only took 12 photos of her then. I haven't really looked at the video clips of her that I put onto the computer yet - I messed up a few of them by switching the angle during parts of it. I never took pictures of her from mid 2005 - December 2008 which I totally regret. I know, I should just be greatful for the photos that I do have which I am. And I will always cherish the good memories of her. It has been almost a month since she's been gone and it has felt like longer. We now have her ashes on the video cabinet in between 2 pictures of her. She was such a sweet sunshine spaniel.

We Miss You, Buffy

It has been nearly a week without a Buffy in our lives and we are still very upset about this. I miss so much about her, even a few of the annoying things like her waking me up at 4 a. m. to be let out. It is just so strange not having her around. Her enthusiatic greeting us when we returned home was always so funny and sweet - her whole butt and little stub would shake and she'd jump around alot. My brother was extremely emotional on her final day. He cried even more than I did. He sometimes used to call her a money pit and waste of money but he must've loved her deep down inside.

We had to wait 45 minutes before the vet came into the room. We did stay for both shots. She went quickly. I wish that we could've had her for a few more months, like up until her 13th birthday but she was getting worse so as sad as this loss is she is no longer suffering. Sometimes Mark, Mom and I pretend that she is still around, like during mealtimes we say " No, Buffy, you can't have people food." We did give her some fruit the last 2 days though.

I wish that I had figured out how to use the videotaping mode on my camera months ago then I could've taken lots of video of Buffy. I didn't even think about doing so until 2 days before we took her to the vets for the last time. Mark used his then but I was telling myself that it would be too complicated to figure out but the day before I was able to do so only I screwed up on 2 or 3 of the clips, changing it from widthwise to sideways partway through. Mom did the same for one clip of me and Buffy together. I did take alot of pictures of her but would've liked to take more. I'm still too upset to put these into our computer.

I keep thinking of all the things we should've done for Buffy, like taking her for walks and brushing her more. She was only on a few walks over the past 6 years. I only brushed her twice in one month. The vet and vet techs and other people have said that we were good owners but both my brother and I believe that we should've been better ones. She was such a sweet, loving girl. She definitely was a grandma's girl, very close to our mom. It was hard for me to even do this post because I'm really emotional about not having our special spaniel in my life anymore.

Goodbye, My Sweet Spaniel

Today is our last full day of having our sweet spaniel Buffy in our lives. These are some pictures of her from about 5 years ago. I have been having trouble focusing on practically everything because my thoughts are full of Buffy memories. I've been taking alot of pictures of her the past 2 days. I wish that I hadn't gone like from 2005 - late 2008 without taking any of her and it was dumb that I hardly took any puppy photos. She is so beautiful, loving and funny. We've been giving her bits of fruit the past week even though she isn't allowed people food. She deserves this. She is the best thing that has happened to me in the past 13 years. I am dreading 2:oo tomorrow afternoon when we have to take her to the vets office and say our final goodbyes to her. I am giving her lots of extra love and attention and we even sat together on the couch for an hour watching part of the Today Show and The Price Is Right. It is going to seem so strange and sad not having her around.

My Buffy's Final Days

Buffy's blood test results were not good 10 days ago. She has been in poor health for the past year and a half but now it's to the point where she's on so many meds and there's no hope of improvement. Mom said that it would be for the best if we have her put to sleep and even the vet agreed. I was hoping that she would be around until at least her 13th birthday in February. The vet said that we have been very good owners but I can't help thinking that I could have done better. I already wrote about the hating myself for not trying the non - steroid allergy med and don't want to get into that again. I feel as if we poisoned her because of this. We will be taking her to the vets on Thursday afternoon and I have been very emotional about this. We will be giving her lots of love and attention and enjoying every last moment with her this week. I love her so much - she is like a member of our family. I have so many good memories of her and will always cherish these. I pray that I get to see her again in the afterlife.

My Buffy Puppy

The best thing about the 90s is when we got our cocker spaniel puppy Buffy in 1998. My brother paid for her but he wasn't even with mom and I when we picked her out. We were visiting my Aunt Al and were supposed to go to a flea market that morning but it was raining so we decided to go to the petstore nearby. They had cocker spaniels but all of them were males and we really wanted a female. The guy employee had overheard us talking to the girl one about this and said that there was one in the back. I'm so glad that he was standing there otherwise we would not have her in our family today and thank goodness it rained too for the same reason. I only wish that I had taken more than 13 pictures of her as a puppy.

My Buffy pup

Buffy will be 12 and a half next month - if she is still with us. Her health has not been good for the past 12-18 months. Much of this is due to the fact that she was on meds with steroids in them for her allergies so now she has liver and kidney damage in addition to a weak heart. I only wish that I had tried the more expensive non-steroid meds years ago. She's had allergy problems for at least 9 years. If I weren't so selfish and spending alot of money on clothes and jewelry I'm sure I would have had enough money for this.

The lady vet did say that we'd keep track of certain levels and if they got too high she'd tell us and we'd take her off the steroids. Well, she let them get so high that the damage got pretty bad. I do blame her also for my Buffy's poor health. She has been off that med for a year but last week her allergies got so bad that I had to take her to the vets. The girl vet said that the only med that would work would be a steroid shot but I really did not want to give her that so she said we'd try antibiotics because maybe it was just an infection.

We gave her the antibiotics for the week but this did not work. She was back to licking and biting herself. We took her back for a recheck yesterday and that's when we had no choice but to get that shot for her. I already feel bad enough about shortening her life so now this will probably further do so. Unfortunately when I woke up this morning I saw that she had once again been biting and licking herself - her whole side is a mess.

The vet said that if it did not get better by the middle of next week to call and set up an appointment but what more can they do for her? Maybe they'll give her a special bath to help make her feel less itchy. My Buffy fund is very low now. I spent about 350.00 on her this past week already. I might just have to get into credit card debt, something I dread.

I love her so much and wish that we had been better owners. Some of the heart problem could be from not having her teeth cleaned. The vet tech said that bad teeth and gums can lead to a build up of something in the heart - I forget what she said it was. We had them cleaned last summer. I should have been cleaning them every so often throughout the years and this past one too. Bad Lara.

I have written about my Buffy's problems before but I just felt the need to vent out my thoughts and emotions about this again. I don't think I could ever forgive myself for not being a better owner. I hope that she's around at least until her 13th birthday in February but that's doubtful. I'm trying to give her lots of love and belly rubs and spend more time with her than usual. I get so emotional about doggies and animals.

Babushka Buffy

These photos are from about 11 years ago. I used my scarf/hat to make it look like a babushka. She wasn't even annoyed about this - what a good girl. I entered a contest for the Page a Day dog calender with the bottom one back then but unfortunately she didn't win. It wouldve' been nice if she did get into the calender but she's definitely a winner to us .

My mom fell down the stairs today

I took my mom to her doctor today and she fell down 9 steps in that building. I couldn't help letting out a scream. Maybe people were thinking that I was over reacting. I was so worried that she might've hurt herself. The doctor came out of the office and asked her if she was okay and mom said that she hit her head on the wall but felt fine. She was able to walk into the office which was a good sign but I was and still am worried that she has some sort of internal damage.

She did do damage to her eyeglasses. I can't afford to buy her a new pair. I feel so guilty that part of my thinking besides being worried about her health was that I can't afford any more medical bills of hers. She already has many of them. She is on Medicare but this doesn't cover everything and because she gets an alimony check from Dad each month she can't qualify for Medicaid. It's only 187.oo. Then there's the expense of all her meds. Maybe God is displeased with me for these thoughts.

The pathetic thing is that both my brother and I get disability checks too. We have not worked in years - I'm too embarrased to admit how many. And when I did work the longest job that I had was 15 months. I had so many jobs in only 8 years - I think it was about 10, maybe more. I'm sure that many people would not be understanding of our mental issues and I don't even know why I'm mentioning all this on a blog- I usually just vent it out to my therapist and in my journal.

I do have a few hundred dollars saved but that is for my US Open tickets. Maybe I'm being kind of selfish but I really don't want to have to sacrafice going to this event to buy mom new frames and possibly lenses. I also need to get new glasses but I am putting that off because I need to have some fun in my life. I don't get much of this because of all the expenses that I have to worry about. I had to take charge of the bill paying because mom let things fall way behind 4 years ago.

I did help mom fill out charity care forms for the 2 hospitals but we haven't heard anything about this yet. I'm just praying that she's accepted otherwise that's another 750.00 that I have to worry about. If she had applied for this at the one hospital 4 years ago we wouldn't have to be doing monthly payments of 25.00 for that bill. I was ignoring it for months foolishly thinking that it would go away but the bill collector took us to court over this. What's done is done, I know, but it's sometimes hard not to beat myself up over that.

I will return to my usual type of topics next time. Possibly a music one. I am trying to get out of this negative frame of mind now - Buffy is looking at me so I'll go sit with her and pet her which always cheers me up.

My Brave Spaniel

Our Buffy gave me quite a scare yesterday. She usually comes into the dining room when we are eating but when she didn't jump off of the couch to join us, I went into the living room to check on her. I said her name a few times and even touched her but she didn't respond. I thought that maybe she had died but Mom said that she was still breathing, thank goodness. Mom did manage to wake her and she came out to join us for lunch. We always give her a treat then.

I just worry everytime that we go out that when we come home she will no longer be alive. I'm so happy that she has hung in there for this long. It has already been 8 months since the doctor said that she is dying because of multiple organ problems. She's had many problems throughout her 12 years on this planet, but through it all she has been a very brave girl.

She had surgery to remove a cyst on her ear about 6 years ago. She broke her back leg once. She's had arthritis and allergies for many years. She had pancreatis last year which was very scary. She had to stay at the vet's office for 2 nights and was hooked up to an IV. I just pray that when her final day on this planet comes that she does not suffer and dies in her sleep. I'm praying that we'll have her with us for another few months or more.

I love her so much. She is like my best friend. I'm sure that some people might think that I'm a bit kooky for saying this and for having lots of nicknames for her. Sunshine spaniel, Muffin, Cupcake, Sugar Plum, Miss Piggy, Piglet, Pumpkin and more. Sometimes we joke around and pick on her because she has a super short stub. She has the cutest freckles on her snout.

Mom has made her lots of bandanas. She has her Easter one on now. She has a grooming appointment in 2 weeks and they give her bandanas as well. We don't dress her up or anything like that. She does have a coat that my Aunt Al got for her as a Christmas gift 9 years ago.

I keep thinking about how I should've been a better owner to her. We hardly took her on any walks. She is kind of lazy but we could've taken her on short ones. I only brushed her teeth when she was a puppy. I should've done so all along. Her teeth got pretty bad. The vet suggested that we have them done a few years ago but this is expensive. If I had just saved money instead of buying too much jewelry and clothes for myself I could have afforded this. I finally had it done last year. The vet tech said that heart problems can be caused by bad teeth so maybe this is part of why she has that problem. I mentioned the whole hating myself for not taking her off of the steroids in my Buffy blog. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for all this.

Even though the arthritis in her back legs has gotten much worse, she still goes up the stairs on her own, although sometimes we carry her up there. I always worry that she might fall down the stairs though. She is such a grandma's girl and wants to be with her most of the time. I'm suprised that she is still downstairs with me now. We have been sitting together alot lately. We did this for an hour this morning. Her grandma wasn't even down here then. It felt nice that she wanted to be with me. Ginger was definitely my doggie when I was a kid. I still miss her and always will. Same goes for Mookie and someday Buffy too- hopefully not too soon.

My Doggies

My first dog was a beautiful sheltie named Rusty. He was very protective of my brother and I. One day a bee was buzzing around me and my Uncle was swatting at it to try to make it go away. Rusty must have thought that he was attacking me so he jumped up on my Uncle and was attacking him. I have a vague recollection of this - I was only about 7 or 8 at the time. Mom and Dad told us that a nice farmer took him to live on a farm with him but years later we found out that he had really been put to sleep which saddened me.

We didn't get another doggie until about a year later from a shelter this time. We saw a very adorable puppy in a cage being picked on by another puppy. We immediately fell in love with her. Grandma- next- door said that Ginger would be a good name for her and we liked this. Grandma always spoiled her. She wouldn't even let Aunt Dorothy's dogs in her house but Ginger was over there often and she'd give her treats like part of a hot dog. I wrote more about her yesterday which got me all emotional . I just wish that we had had her in our lives for more than 7 years.

I did not want another dog after this. Mom did get one and I don't even remember it's name which I feel bad about. She adopted it from a pet fair and we didn't have her that long because she had behavioural problems. I do feel guilty for taking her to the animal shelter and hope that she got adopted. I wish that I had looked into a no kill shelter. Back then I really did not know anything about these. Mom tried again with another terrier mix- Cindy. Same story with her. Maybe many people might think that we didn't try hard enough to retrain these doggies. I'll always feel bad about both these doggies.

Our Mookie came into our lives about a year later. We were at our friend's house. Someone left a doggie in their yard- I don't remember all the details about this. They already had 4 doggies. Mookie sat by mom the entire time. That night we took her home with us. At first I didn't like her but eventually I grew to love her. We had her for about 14 years. She's a lhasa apso/terrier mix.

My brother really wanted to get a cocker spaniel and I wanted one too. One day when Mom and I were visiting my Aunt in South Jersey we were going to go to the flea market but it was raining so we went to the pet store nearby instead. We saw some cocker spaniels and mom asked if any of them were girls. The salesclerk said no but luckily another one said that they had one in the back. It was love at first sight. I already had a name for her- Buffy. She was such a good girl during the hour drive home, although she did try getting over to mom's lap many times. Even from day one she was a grandma's girl. We stopped at a fruit and veg stand. Buffy had a little accident in the car which would not have happened if we weren't stupid and bought a leash. I would've walked around with her while mom bought her tomatoes. She is like a gift from God- if it hadn't been raining that day we wouldn't have found her. She just turned 12 in February and I wish that she could be around for a few more years but because of her multiple organ problems it might only be a few more months. She is so spoiled and loving. My favourite part of the day is when we sit on the couch together. I remember how much she used to love playing with her pet rocks. I have alot of pictures of her and Mookie. They were good friends. It was very stupid that I didn't take that many puppy pictures of her though- only like 14. I could go on and on about her and probably will mention her more in the future but now it's time for us to sit together and watch The Price Is Right.

My Buffy

I haven't been here in a very long time and would like to try to get back into the blogging thing . I doubt that many people will read it but that's o'kay. I read a good blog today about an old woman and all the dogs that she's had and enjoyed that. I was thinking about my doggies afterwards and how I still miss all of them and how sad I am that soon my 12 year old cocker spaniel will no longer be with us because she has multiple organ problems. I found out about this 9 months ago. I am trying not to partly blame myself for some of this but it's hard. If only I hadn't been such a selfish cow and gotten her the more expensive allergy meds instead of the steroids than maybe she'd live longer. I also blame the vet who said that we'll watch her levels and if they start getting too high they'll take her off that med. The woman waited too long and the levels got too high and the damage was done. I love my Buffy pup so much and hate myself for wasting so much money on clothes, jewelry, beanie babies, collectibles and other stuff. More on this subject to come. I need to give Buffy a big hug now and get her dinner.