July 24, 2015- Driving Anxiety

   My driving anxiety has been worse lately. The fact that my insurance rates would go up even if an accident isn’t my fault is part of this. I can’t afford for that to happen. There are more careless drivers on the road than ever before.

   I have tried explaining to my brother that it is more than just anxiety that makes it hard for me to drive but of course he never believes me. I get so overwhelmed by the entire process, from having to lookout for pedestrians, animals, potholes, debris, and other stuff on the road to worrying about car problems. I become mentally and physically exhausted from it too.

   I sometimes have trouble judging the distances of cars when I have to make turns- they seem closer than they actually are.

   Bad weather conditions like rain, snow, and icy roads makes it an even more frightening and stressful experience. I really dread the winter time. Driving at night is also very difficult.

   Traffic has been increasing in our area over the past 10- 15 years which is scary. There used to be a period of between like 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. when it wasn’t as bad. Now it seems like there isn’t much of a break from this.

   After my accident in 2013, I definitely was more afraid to drive. That girl had made a left turn when the light was red. Luckily, her father paid my car repair bill so the insurance company wasn’t even involved in this.

   I semi-freaked out during my first accident in the late 1990s. It was when I was taking my mother and brother to pick up their prescriptions. I was being extremely cautious when making the left into the parking lot but a car came speeding out of nowhere and did $900.00 worth of damage to the front bumper of my car, a 1990 Chevy Cavalier.

   I only got a ticket because I had forgotten to put the most recent insurance card in my car. I always make sure that I do so. It figures that the one time that I didn’t this accident happened.

   I am also still upset that I didn’t listen to my smart voice that told me not to try passing the recycle truck near our house in 2008. I am usually so careful. I shouldn’t have listened to Mom who said that there was enough room. Her judgement in many instances hasn’t been that great for quite some time.

   Because of my stupidity, there is a big dent on the passenger side of my car. I don’t even know how much that would cost to fix. I didn’t want to use the auto repair money on it though. I need that in case of more important problems/expenses.

   My mother and brother need me to be their taxi driver. It has been a long time since either of them have been able to drive. I think that for Mom it was 2000 and for my brother 1996.

   I do feel bad that my brother is unable to do so but sometimes he makes it seem like I am not doing a good job of this just because I am unable to take him everywhere he wants to go.

    It is even harder driving when one or both of them are in my car because their chattering is distracting. My brother does this more so than Mom, naturally.

   Also, they- particularly Mike- expect me to reply to some of this which I can’t do when I am trying to focus on driving. They seem a bit annoyed when I explain this to them which isn’t fair.

   I can’t help that I have a problem multi-tasking which is what this seems like to me. Can’t they be understanding of this? Yet they expect me to empathize with them about their problems.

   Often I feel as if many normals including my own family members would not be fully understanding of these issues. It is not as if I am making excuses for not being able to go places beyond my comfort zone but some people might think so.

   I pray that I won’t get into an accident each time before I get behind the wheel. I worry so much that this will happen. If it does, I just couldn’t cope with the stress of this, especially if injuries are involved.

   I can’t remember the last time that I didn’t feel really anxious when driving. I managed to drive to Washington DC once in the early 1990s. My brother went with me. That was a bit nerve wracking but I somehow overcame the fear.

   I was able to drive on Rt. 22 once a week to my therapy sessions in Somerville. I did that for about 6 years- 1998- 2004. It was about a 45 minute journey. I wouldn’t be able to go near that road nowadays. Also, anything over 11 minutes seems pretty darn far to me.

   I didn’t have so many problems back in those days. I just wish that I could be normal then driving would not seem so hard. I would love to be able to go to Turtleback Zoo again but unless there is public transportation that goes there this won’t be happening.

   My brother and I went there in 2012. I guess that at the time I was a little braver. I drove on the Parkway which was very frightening. I was on it only a few times since then. I just can’t handle it or the Turnpike anymore. My head feels like it is going to explode when driving on any major highways.

   Mom would like to visit her sister in Bordentown which is about 50 miles away from here. Mike wants to go to nearby Columbus Flea Market. It was so hard and terrifying when I drove Mom there in 2013 and Mike to the latter in 2012.

   The route to her house has changed dramatically since we were kids. There were more farms and open spaces on Rt. 1 and Rt. 130. Now there are so many strip malls, stores, town houses, and other places.

   I know that they are disappointed that I am no longer able to drive there. I worry that they might even be mad at me for not driving them anywhere beyond our local area. I don’t even want to go past this 5-7 mile radius myself. They will just have to learn to accept this.

                                                        

My 2005 Kia Spectre