June 26, 2015- Communication

I had to talk to our neighbor when I was leaving the house for my therapy appointment. He was planting flowers in his yard. I had prayed that he would temporarily go inside so I could avoid this. Just saying hello and commenting on how nice the flowers are was a major effort.

   Yesterday, I was  about to take the bag out to the garbage can but when I saw our other neighbor out in his yard I put it down and waited until he went back inside before doing this. It’s not as if he is a monster that I should be fearful of but to me most interactions with people are frightening.

   I keep putting off getting a haircut because I am too anxious to call for an appointment and also about having to make small talk with the stylist when I am there.

   I am feeling less like talking to people now than ever before. It is just too difficult and mentally exhausting. I don’t have much to say and I am not that good at expressing myself. I really don’t even like the sound of my own voice. Also, it mostly feels like I am putting on a big act. I prefer just being an observer.

   Amy said that we will have to work on this issue but I don’t see how it would be possible for me to ever feel comfortable socializing. I am sure that most people would think that it is strange that it is so hard for me.

   I am the complete opposite of my brother who is very talkative even to strangers. I have moments when I feel less uneasy speaking to people but not that often. I am better at it in my dreams. If only this could be the case in reality too.

   Sometimes, Mike doesn’t understand what I am telling him so I have to re-explain myself which is frustrating. I have to do this for Mom and even my therapist occasionally too. Did I not say things clearly or do they just not get it? I mostly blame myself for not being good at communication.

    At times he criticizes what I am saying and/or tries to correct the way that I have done so. This makes me kind of afraid to even talk to him. He also does this to Mom.

   I often have to repeat myself to Mom and Mike because of their hearing problems and/or the fact that they aren’t really paying that much attention to me. Saying things the first time is hard enough so doing this again is tiring.

    It is also upsetting that they sometimes think that I am speaking in an angry tone which is far from the truth. I am a low talker so my voice just may sound like I am yelling when I raise it. They-particularly my brother-don’t seem to believe this, however.

   My brother occasionally will change the subject that I have brought up partway through our conversation because he seems bored and would rather talk about himself/his interests. This is pretty rude and upsetting.

   Occasionally, I worry that perhaps other people are also kind of uninterested in what I have to say. I have felt this way for a long time. I am sure that Amy would tell me that I need to change these negative types of thoughts. That is going to be very difficult.

 

July 14, 2015- Chris Young Stuff

   I watched 3 videos by Chris Young on You Tube this morning. My bad side has been going a bit gaga over him lately which naturally I am a bit embarrassed about.

      I can’t believe that a couple of months ago I was doing research on hotels, buses and trains, and cab companies for 5 different cities that he was doing a concert at. This was before he added the Long Island one that I am going to in few days.

   I had to search for the cities that either buses or trains go to that are closet to the places that these shows are being held. For Glen Allen, Virginia it is Richmond. That would have been my second choice. Mt. Pocono, PA is the closet so it would be the most practical and least expensive.

    I would not have the courage to drive there. A part of me did think about trying to do so. I don’t understand why the bus from NYC doesn’t just take you directly to that resort in PA like the one that goes to Foxwoods, CT did. I did not understand the shuttlebus schedule.

   Varysburg, New York is all the way up near Buffalo. That is way too far. Webster, MA is near Worcester. That would have been a good place to go to also. The trip to Dover involves a train to Wilmington then a bus to that city.

   There was also a show in Pomona, NY. There is a NJT train that goes to Spring Valley, NY, which is about 6 miles from that town. But because the concert was on a Sunday, there are not that many trains running later at night so I wouldn’t really have been able to go to that one.

   That was when I first thought about getting a prepaid cell phone so that I would have it to call for a cab. It was kind of crazy that I was even fantasizing that I could go on an adventure like that.

   I had done so for Duran Duran too during their last tour for the North Carolina show. I don’t think that I could ever actually travel that far to see any music performer, not even them.

   It was kind of fun looking into these travel destinations but also depressing. Travel will never be able to be a part of my budget. I didn’t even research the airlines; I would much rather go by bus or train so I can look at the scenery. It was so much fun doing that during the trip to CT nearly 3 years ago.

   I should just be happy because I was able to get this ticket but part of me is regretting that I didn’t go to the Ticketmaster site earlier to check out the prices. If I had, I would have seen that the show at Westbury Theatre had been added and could have gotten an even closer seat than row M there. I was able to do the presale purchase because of having a Citi Card. 

   I wish that I could remember more about my party dream. Three of my cousins- Missy, Terry, and Mandy- and my brother were there. So was Lionel Richie for a little while. He sang a bit of “All Night Long”. This was strange but cool.

   I also saw a music magazine on the coffee table. An article about Duran Duran was in it. I was too embarrassed to read it though which was ridiculous.

    How can I be happy about this concert when I have to deal with the family stress?  Mike was talking even more than usual yesterday, totally ruining my enjoyment of the Mets game. I think that from now on I have to spend most of the time in my room because my brain can’t take much more of his constant interruptions. It hurts so much from his loud motor mouth.

 Sometimes, I picture banging my head up against the wall and also screaming “Shut up!” I know that this is part of his illness, but he used to be not as bad. Are they not giving him the proper meds, or is it that he isn’t trying as hard not to do these things anymore?

   I am pretty sure that he has been on psych meds since the early 90s, or was it the late 80s? I do remember him taking Ritalin for his hyperactivity when he was a kid. I don’t think that he was on it for that long though.

 

 

 

                                                                

Too much tension/My Anorexia

My brain is being blocked from focusing on doing things on the computer these days by the tension that my brother has been putting mom and I through. There have been 2 of his very angry verbal assaults over the past 5 or 6 weeks, the most recent 3 days ago. Both of them started out with me using his computer and how much he hates this but of course led to other topics that he put me down about. The were very scary episodes - it was like a demon was attacking me. He accused me of being the one that has a whole bunch of mental problems when it is him who has some serious issues like taking out his anger and frustrations out on me which gets worse whenever I try to stand up for myself which was what I was trying to do these 2 times.

I have not been dealing with all this stress that well. I have been buying alot of stuff like jewelry on ebay and beanie babies from an online site to try to make me feel better which works for a little while but then I get depressed about using money that I should be saving for important stuff like new eyeglasses. I'm probably being repetitive about things in this post but that's the way it is around here - like a bad episode of a show that you don't even like but are being forced to watch. I have to live in this nightmare because of financial reasons and having to take care of my mom who has alot of health issues.

I have to admit something else that I've been doing which is not good but I can't seem to stop now that I've started. I have returned to my eating disorder that I had battled with a few times in the 1990s. I am not as bad with the restricting of the calories like I was back then though and part of me actually wishes that I had the same willpower. I think that I have cut only a few hundred calories a day so the weight loss has been pretty slow. I have this debate going on in my head - I want to stop doing this so that I don't get so sick that I will miss out on going to the US Open in a few months but part of me doesn't even seem to care about that and even wishes that I would somehow get so bad that I die just so that I could get away from my brother since there is no other way to escape that creep.

I hear his voice putting me down in my head even when he isn't here. He is constantly criticizing me about every little thing and actually has the nerve to say that I am the one that is stressing him out. I treat him pretty damn well despite him treating me like shit. He has no respect for me or appreciate what I do around here. I pay the bills , cook dinner and drive him and mom places since neither of them are able to drive. This means nothing to him - all that he does is far more significant. He is a self centered jerk. He is always complaining, teasing me and saying inappropriate things. He seems to enjoy upsetting us. His latest thing is to say that we are lazy and can't understand why we enjoy watching tv and reading, saying how boring that is. We are supposed to agree with his opinions too and whenever we express ours he says that this is stupid or crazy.

He leaves the lids on the jar of mayo and laundry detergent so tightly that mom and I can't get them off then laughs at us and calls us weak. If we are happy about something he puts us down and questions how can we be happy about that. He wants us to be just as miserable as he is. Why is he allowed to be happy about his Mirza winning a tennis match but when I'm excited about Fish winning he says it's only tennis and why are you getting all happy about that. I am afraid to even talk around him anymore because he finds a way to put me down about it.

He accuses me of sounding like I'm yelling at him when I'm just talking normally. He called me a big baby when I was nearly in tears during his recent verbal assault. Then he was mad at mom for taking my side saying that she always does this and that I always get my way. Most of the time mom is too scared to stand by my side and help me in these battles and alot of the time afterwards she pops her migraine and/or anxitey pills to escape this intolerable behaviour of his.

I do go to therapy and vent out my issues which helps a little. I am afraid to tell her that I've returned to some of my anorexic ways though. It's not good that most nights I pray that God will just let me die in my sleep because I can't take the hell that he is putting me through. This and other stresses like mom and money worrries are making me feel like I am suffocating. I feel as if I have very little strength left and could easily fall apart. I haven't even felt like coming to this site lately because I just don't even have the energy to write a post and read posts. I have lots of photos and ideas for posts but just can't think straight to do anything about it.

I've gone on and on this and could probably type much more just about all the mean things that my brother does and says. I have covered some of this in previous posts like how he hates us watching our Food Network shows. As if we are commiting a crime for watching Paula Deen. He is such an awful human being. Even when we go grocery shopping he puts me down for buying 2 heads of lettuce but he is allowed to get his pudding cake which he definitely doesn't need because he should be losing some weight. He is always making awful comments about overweight women and doesn't care that this offends me and I'm sure mom too - she used to be very overweight before the gastric bypass surgery in 1979. I have a fear of getting fat which is part of why I have eating disorder issues.

I will stop this depressing post now even though part of me wants to continue and mention his other bad behaviours like the constant teasing about guys and how much of a control freak that he is. It's almost lunchtime now - I know that I should probably put a piece of cheese on my sandwich like I used to but the anorexic in me is too strong and won't let me. It needs to be in control since I feel so out of control about practically everything else in my life.