August 20, 2015- Friends- Part 2

We had good times at our family friend Maureen’s house esp. at St Patrick’s Day parties-The Quiet Man was almost always on TV during these. One Halloween there was a Wizard of Oz themed party; I was dressed as the scarecrow.

   We would always have tea when we visited her. I went apple picking with her and some of her kids and grandkids once.

   Mom and grandma had been friends with her for many, many years. We saw more of her when we lived on the other side of town than we have since we’ve been only a few houses down from her. She’s the one who mom used to go to after big arguments with Dad.

   One time I ran after her crying and begging for her to come back and she told me to go home.  I always was afraid that she would never return. That would have been a total nightmare.

   It’s hard to believe that we ever used to have friends. At least mom had a social life again – this past year she’s been going to the senior center. Mike is very outgoing but I’m the exact opposite; I’m only good at observing, not communicating.

   Aunt Ann once said that I was being like my father when I was hiding in her attic so that I didn’t have to face socializing with Aunt Pauline and a few cousins. I went downstairs but felt so anxious which is super pathetic. I can’t even feel comfortable around my own family.

   Maybe I’m not even capable of being in relationships besides the Sharon one. What if I even screw that up? I sure hope that doesn’t happen though.

   Sharon does so many nice things for me. I am so lucky that she is a part of my life. It has been like 30 years since I’ve had a friendship as close as this one. Kelly was my first best friend.

   By 8^th grade that friendship was over partly thanks to Dad. He was mad that Kelly’s parents didn’t take us to school as much as mom did. After that argument we never really associated with her and her mother anymore.

    We might have eventually drifted apart anyway; Kelly did start hanging out with 2 of the popular girls more.  I wasn’t cool enough for her, I suppose. This is still upsetting 3 decades later.

   I loved playing stuffed animals with her. Her Cindy bear had a crush on my Poochie one. She also had Scrunchy the Shop Rite bear.  Sometimes we would pretend that her house was California and mine was Florida or vice versa. She was in my brother’s class, 2 years behind mine.

   One day when Kelly and her mom were visiting us, Dad actually said (in an angry tone) “What are they doing here?” That was so mean. Mike reminded me that often he would lie and say that we weren’t home when kids called or came over to see us.

   We also had fun taking walks, bike riding- both of which we would sometimes do in the woods near our town- and swimming in her pool.

   Six of our friends had pools; we had a sprinkler. Dad slipped, fell, and sprained his ankle when running through it once. I wasn’t envious of them; I did have some jealousy about my friend’s toys though, like Cindy and Jessica’s Speak and Spell and Lite Brite and Michelle T’s Quiz Wiz.

   We did join the Cranford Pool for either 2 or 3 summers. Mike and I took swimming lessons there. I still have the certificate from that and also one of my pool passes-1983. I almost hit my head on the diving board once. We sometimes got subs from the Butcher Block nearby for lunch.

   Some of our classmates were members as were our family friends, the Prescotts. Our Dads worked together at GM and our Moms were Bradlees employees. Their 3 kids went to the same schools as us. Mike was closer to Jeff than I was to Pam though. She gave me her old clothes sometimes. Jeff’s gecko got into a bag of these once which totally freaked me out.

 

Oz- 1991

Scrunchy bear

 

Gecko

 

 

 

August 19, 2015

Mom probably will be calling me soon to ask me to pick her up from the senior center. It is food pantry day. I feel kind of anxious about having my projects interrupted. It is a little difficult to refocus on them afterwards.

   I forget last night’s dreams which I am even more upset about than usual because one of them had Duran Duran in it. I only have this image of being at an outdoor flea market looking at the nice jewelry and handbags at one table. I saw Nick Rhodes nearby. This was before a DD concert that was taking place at a venue in that town.

   I found out what date that DD is going to be on the “CBS Sunday Morning” show- September 13. This post was shared by Jenny on Facebook. I should really tell her that I got that ticket but I am afraid to.

    It would be nice if we meet up again someday like she assured me could happen but I have my doubts. Part of me wishes that we could be friends instead of just acquaintances. But mostly I am thinking that I am not that good at any relationships so it probably would not work out. I would have a better chance of it if I wasn’t such a freak.

   I am more fascinated by Duran Duran now than ever before despite being mad about the encore incident. I want to keep checking Facebook and the fan site every day for updated information on them- tour, press, news, etc.

   I haven’t purchased any of the magazines that they have been in though and sort of regret this. I should have at least gone to B&N to see if they had that Billboard mag. My driving anxiety prevented me from doing so.

   I told Amy that this NYC concert is like a chance for me to make up for their cancelled AC show 3 years ago. It would have been three times of seeing them for that tour. The previous one was four and the Astronaut one was only 2. If I hadn’t been afraid to go to AC, it would have been 3.

   Mike would have a fit if he knew that I have seen them more than he believes that I have. I know that the “obsessed” word would be mentioned by him. There are fans who have seen them a hell of a lot more than me. I wish that I could have done so at least a few more times within the past 10 years that I have been majorly into their music.

   I hope that I don’t get really sick during my time at the US Open like I was last year and a previous one. I need to be fully healthy for my Luke Bryan and DD concerts that are shortly after this.

  On the “Today Show” yesterday- or was it on Monday? - Tamron said that Stevie Wonder had recently done a free concert in Central Park. That would have been nice to have been at. I think that she said that the news about this was only on Facebook so you would have to be following him to know about it.

    I am so damn ashamed that I raced over to the computer the second my brother read out Lee Majors name as one added to the Chiller Theatre guest list. I said “I’m there!” Mike was teasing me about this, naturally.

    I have only had this retro-crush for the past few years. Mostly, when we started watching “The Big Valley” for the first time. Later, I saw that “The Six Million Dollar Man” was on Cozi TV; if I had noticed this sooner, I would have seen more episodes.

 Mike liked that when we were kids and sometimes I would watch it with him. I bet that he wishes that he hadn’t gotten rid of that action figure.   

   Hopefully, his autograph won’t be over $40.00. I guess that Mike wants this too. I am going to be pretty nervous then. I just hope that my brother doesn’t say anything to embarrass me. With my luck, Mr. Majors will cancel which would be disappointing.

   I am watching the tennis coverage today but my mind had been wandering into Duran Duran territory during it. I decided to check DD on FB before watching it. I saw a post about a concert at MSG on October 8. More info about the presale and general sale won’t be out until August 28.

   I am so excited but also worried about this. What if the tickets go on sale on a day that we are at the US Open? That would be bad. I am praying that this isn’t the case. I want to be able to order this as close to the start of the sale as possible.

   My twisted mind is thinking that if I have to sacrifice a day at the Open then I certainly will. I could always go there late that day. I would miss out on a match but that’s okay, unless it is Fish- that would be upsetting.

   Fish vs. Murray is on later; I am really looking forward to this one. I hope that it isn’t on too late though because I don’t think that I will last through very much of it if so. I really don’t want to DVR any tennis.

   Maybe I should not have written “presale DD” on the calendar. Mike will see this and might want to go with me. I will want to order a ticket close to the stage, even if it is expensive. He will have to sit elsewhere because I know he won’t be willing to spend that much on this.

      They showed the last game of the Robredo match; he won it. I was glad about this. James Blake is doing commentating during matches today. I still am beating myself up for being too afraid to try to get his autograph. He was doing this for a lot of people that day.

   I am trying to remain optimistic about the upcoming events that I am going to but as always I think of all the possible things that could prevent me from attending them. I will be so happy if I am able to get close to DD again, whether it is at the September 14 NYC show or the MSG one, if I even am lucky enough to get a ticket to that.

June 26, 2015- Communication

I had to talk to our neighbor when I was leaving the house for my therapy appointment. He was planting flowers in his yard. I had prayed that he would temporarily go inside so I could avoid this. Just saying hello and commenting on how nice the flowers are was a major effort.

   Yesterday, I was  about to take the bag out to the garbage can but when I saw our other neighbor out in his yard I put it down and waited until he went back inside before doing this. It’s not as if he is a monster that I should be fearful of but to me most interactions with people are frightening.

   I keep putting off getting a haircut because I am too anxious to call for an appointment and also about having to make small talk with the stylist when I am there.

   I am feeling less like talking to people now than ever before. It is just too difficult and mentally exhausting. I don’t have much to say and I am not that good at expressing myself. I really don’t even like the sound of my own voice. Also, it mostly feels like I am putting on a big act. I prefer just being an observer.

   Amy said that we will have to work on this issue but I don’t see how it would be possible for me to ever feel comfortable socializing. I am sure that most people would think that it is strange that it is so hard for me.

   I am the complete opposite of my brother who is very talkative even to strangers. I have moments when I feel less uneasy speaking to people but not that often. I am better at it in my dreams. If only this could be the case in reality too.

   Sometimes, Mike doesn’t understand what I am telling him so I have to re-explain myself which is frustrating. I have to do this for Mom and even my therapist occasionally too. Did I not say things clearly or do they just not get it? I mostly blame myself for not being good at communication.

    At times he criticizes what I am saying and/or tries to correct the way that I have done so. This makes me kind of afraid to even talk to him. He also does this to Mom.

   I often have to repeat myself to Mom and Mike because of their hearing problems and/or the fact that they aren’t really paying that much attention to me. Saying things the first time is hard enough so doing this again is tiring.

    It is also upsetting that they sometimes think that I am speaking in an angry tone which is far from the truth. I am a low talker so my voice just may sound like I am yelling when I raise it. They-particularly my brother-don’t seem to believe this, however.

   My brother occasionally will change the subject that I have brought up partway through our conversation because he seems bored and would rather talk about himself/his interests. This is pretty rude and upsetting.

   Occasionally, I worry that perhaps other people are also kind of uninterested in what I have to say. I have felt this way for a long time. I am sure that Amy would tell me that I need to change these negative types of thoughts. That is going to be very difficult.

 

July 24, 2015- Driving Anxiety

   My driving anxiety has been worse lately. The fact that my insurance rates would go up even if an accident isn’t my fault is part of this. I can’t afford for that to happen. There are more careless drivers on the road than ever before.

   I have tried explaining to my brother that it is more than just anxiety that makes it hard for me to drive but of course he never believes me. I get so overwhelmed by the entire process, from having to lookout for pedestrians, animals, potholes, debris, and other stuff on the road to worrying about car problems. I become mentally and physically exhausted from it too.

   I sometimes have trouble judging the distances of cars when I have to make turns- they seem closer than they actually are.

   Bad weather conditions like rain, snow, and icy roads makes it an even more frightening and stressful experience. I really dread the winter time. Driving at night is also very difficult.

   Traffic has been increasing in our area over the past 10- 15 years which is scary. There used to be a period of between like 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. when it wasn’t as bad. Now it seems like there isn’t much of a break from this.

   After my accident in 2013, I definitely was more afraid to drive. That girl had made a left turn when the light was red. Luckily, her father paid my car repair bill so the insurance company wasn’t even involved in this.

   I semi-freaked out during my first accident in the late 1990s. It was when I was taking my mother and brother to pick up their prescriptions. I was being extremely cautious when making the left into the parking lot but a car came speeding out of nowhere and did $900.00 worth of damage to the front bumper of my car, a 1990 Chevy Cavalier.

   I only got a ticket because I had forgotten to put the most recent insurance card in my car. I always make sure that I do so. It figures that the one time that I didn’t this accident happened.

   I am also still upset that I didn’t listen to my smart voice that told me not to try passing the recycle truck near our house in 2008. I am usually so careful. I shouldn’t have listened to Mom who said that there was enough room. Her judgement in many instances hasn’t been that great for quite some time.

   Because of my stupidity, there is a big dent on the passenger side of my car. I don’t even know how much that would cost to fix. I didn’t want to use the auto repair money on it though. I need that in case of more important problems/expenses.

   My mother and brother need me to be their taxi driver. It has been a long time since either of them have been able to drive. I think that for Mom it was 2000 and for my brother 1996.

   I do feel bad that my brother is unable to do so but sometimes he makes it seem like I am not doing a good job of this just because I am unable to take him everywhere he wants to go.

    It is even harder driving when one or both of them are in my car because their chattering is distracting. My brother does this more so than Mom, naturally.

   Also, they- particularly Mike- expect me to reply to some of this which I can’t do when I am trying to focus on driving. They seem a bit annoyed when I explain this to them which isn’t fair.

   I can’t help that I have a problem multi-tasking which is what this seems like to me. Can’t they be understanding of this? Yet they expect me to empathize with them about their problems.

   Often I feel as if many normals including my own family members would not be fully understanding of these issues. It is not as if I am making excuses for not being able to go places beyond my comfort zone but some people might think so.

   I pray that I won’t get into an accident each time before I get behind the wheel. I worry so much that this will happen. If it does, I just couldn’t cope with the stress of this, especially if injuries are involved.

   I can’t remember the last time that I didn’t feel really anxious when driving. I managed to drive to Washington DC once in the early 1990s. My brother went with me. That was a bit nerve wracking but I somehow overcame the fear.

   I was able to drive on Rt. 22 once a week to my therapy sessions in Somerville. I did that for about 6 years- 1998- 2004. It was about a 45 minute journey. I wouldn’t be able to go near that road nowadays. Also, anything over 11 minutes seems pretty darn far to me.

   I didn’t have so many problems back in those days. I just wish that I could be normal then driving would not seem so hard. I would love to be able to go to Turtleback Zoo again but unless there is public transportation that goes there this won’t be happening.

   My brother and I went there in 2012. I guess that at the time I was a little braver. I drove on the Parkway which was very frightening. I was on it only a few times since then. I just can’t handle it or the Turnpike anymore. My head feels like it is going to explode when driving on any major highways.

   Mom would like to visit her sister in Bordentown which is about 50 miles away from here. Mike wants to go to nearby Columbus Flea Market. It was so hard and terrifying when I drove Mom there in 2013 and Mike to the latter in 2012.

   The route to her house has changed dramatically since we were kids. There were more farms and open spaces on Rt. 1 and Rt. 130. Now there are so many strip malls, stores, town houses, and other places.

   I know that they are disappointed that I am no longer able to drive there. I worry that they might even be mad at me for not driving them anywhere beyond our local area. I don’t even want to go past this 5-7 mile radius myself. They will just have to learn to accept this.

                                                        

My 2005 Kia Spectre

July 14, 2015- Chris Young Stuff

   I watched 3 videos by Chris Young on You Tube this morning. My bad side has been going a bit gaga over him lately which naturally I am a bit embarrassed about.

      I can’t believe that a couple of months ago I was doing research on hotels, buses and trains, and cab companies for 5 different cities that he was doing a concert at. This was before he added the Long Island one that I am going to in few days.

   I had to search for the cities that either buses or trains go to that are closet to the places that these shows are being held. For Glen Allen, Virginia it is Richmond. That would have been my second choice. Mt. Pocono, PA is the closet so it would be the most practical and least expensive.

    I would not have the courage to drive there. A part of me did think about trying to do so. I don’t understand why the bus from NYC doesn’t just take you directly to that resort in PA like the one that goes to Foxwoods, CT did. I did not understand the shuttlebus schedule.

   Varysburg, New York is all the way up near Buffalo. That is way too far. Webster, MA is near Worcester. That would have been a good place to go to also. The trip to Dover involves a train to Wilmington then a bus to that city.

   There was also a show in Pomona, NY. There is a NJT train that goes to Spring Valley, NY, which is about 6 miles from that town. But because the concert was on a Sunday, there are not that many trains running later at night so I wouldn’t really have been able to go to that one.

   That was when I first thought about getting a prepaid cell phone so that I would have it to call for a cab. It was kind of crazy that I was even fantasizing that I could go on an adventure like that.

   I had done so for Duran Duran too during their last tour for the North Carolina show. I don’t think that I could ever actually travel that far to see any music performer, not even them.

   It was kind of fun looking into these travel destinations but also depressing. Travel will never be able to be a part of my budget. I didn’t even research the airlines; I would much rather go by bus or train so I can look at the scenery. It was so much fun doing that during the trip to CT nearly 3 years ago.

   I should just be happy because I was able to get this ticket but part of me is regretting that I didn’t go to the Ticketmaster site earlier to check out the prices. If I had, I would have seen that the show at Westbury Theatre had been added and could have gotten an even closer seat than row M there. I was able to do the presale purchase because of having a Citi Card. 

   I wish that I could remember more about my party dream. Three of my cousins- Missy, Terry, and Mandy- and my brother were there. So was Lionel Richie for a little while. He sang a bit of “All Night Long”. This was strange but cool.

   I also saw a music magazine on the coffee table. An article about Duran Duran was in it. I was too embarrassed to read it though which was ridiculous.

    How can I be happy about this concert when I have to deal with the family stress?  Mike was talking even more than usual yesterday, totally ruining my enjoyment of the Mets game. I think that from now on I have to spend most of the time in my room because my brain can’t take much more of his constant interruptions. It hurts so much from his loud motor mouth.

 Sometimes, I picture banging my head up against the wall and also screaming “Shut up!” I know that this is part of his illness, but he used to be not as bad. Are they not giving him the proper meds, or is it that he isn’t trying as hard not to do these things anymore?

   I am pretty sure that he has been on psych meds since the early 90s, or was it the late 80s? I do remember him taking Ritalin for his hyperactivity when he was a kid. I don’t think that he was on it for that long though.

 

 

 

                                                                

 

June 4- Anxiety Issue

People would think that I am a complete freak if they knew some of the things that make me anxious. Just hearing the phone ring makes me feel this way. I really don’t like talking on the phone. I can’t remember the last time that I felt comfortable doing so, probably grade school, which sounds so pathetic. I mostly let the answering machine kick in and if it’s really important, like mom’s pharmacy, I pick it up.

   When Cindy and Jessica visited their grandparents- our next- door neighbors Mr. and Mrs. K- I always waited for them to call me. So even when I was a kid I had a bit of phone phobia. Kelly was the only person that I wasn’t afraid to call.

    Dad definitely didn’t like when I was on the phone with her or when we hung out together. He didn’t mind Cindy and Jessica though because he was friends with their grandparents.

   I was afraid to call Cindy in PA to ask her if anyone had found the pretty anklet that Kathy gave me. It must’ve fallen off when we were playing Frisbee in the field across the street from their house or elsewhere during her graduation party.

   I was so nervous when I finally did call there. Her other grandma who lived with them answered the phone. She said that no one had found my anklet which was disappointing.

   My brother still teases me about one of the boys that had been at that party, saying that he was throwing the Frisbee to me a lot because he liked me; I don’t think so. No cute boys would ever look at a plain girl like me. I had the big glasses back then which made me look even more unattractive.

   I’m certain that if my Aunt Ann knew that the real reason that I didn’t go to her daughter Missy’s wedding was because I was feeling very anxious that she would be very disappointed in me. I told mom to tell her that I was feeling really sick.

    Well, that was partly true- sick in the head from the tension. I can’t even feel comfortable around my own family; that’s extremely pathetic. They aren’t monsters so why should I be afraid of them?

   I know that a big part of the reason that I feel so anxious around them is that I feel like a total loser and that I don’t belong with successful, happy people such as them. This is true in other cases too like when I’m at concerts and hear people talking about their jobs, kids, social live, etc...

   My anxiety issues probably have been around since I was a little kid. I backed out of doing the baton twirling in our town’s parade in the mid-1970s- Bicentennial of 1976, I think. I was too afraid plus kept telling myself that I wasn’t any good at it.

   Mike and I still feel really bad about not answering the door when Dad’s Uncle Nick came over to visit one day. We hid in the sky blue room until he left. That would have been the last time that we saw him before he died soon afterwards- late 80s? 

   We always got him either a flannel shirt or handkerchiefs as Christmas gifts. He would give Mike and me $1.00 each time that he visited but he’d hand both bills to me and say “Give it to him”.

   It was so mean that I didn’t even acknowledge Uncle Nick when he waved and said hi to mom and me when we were near our town’s store. He was sitting on the steps of the senior center. I pretended that I hadn’t even seen him. That was in the late 90s, after he had a major stroke that affected his speech just like grandma.

   Uncle Nick was my godfather. He was a Marine and a Vietnam War vet. He taught us such life lessons as “Look both ways before crossing the street”, “Don’t talk with your mouth full”, and “Don’t sit too close to the TV, you’ll ruin your eyesight.”

    I do feel guilty about avoiding both uncles and other people but I just can’t help it. It’s like an automatic response. Most people want to make connections with others but I always have feelings of anxiety even just thinking about doing so.

   Obviously, I haven’t totally isolated myself and have been in relationships so I’m not a complete freak. I have never truly felt comfortable around most people though and haven’t in a very long time.

    I was too scared to join clubs in high school. I was in the Service one but only for half a year. I worked in the bookstore sometimes. My teacher wanted me to join her Spanish Club. I was very good in that class. She was disappointed that I did not do this and also that I didn’t take a 3^rd year of that language.

   She liked my Easter project so much that she hung it up in her classroom. I should have never even used that drawing of bunnies that I did as a kid for this. I was very stupid for being afraid to ask her to return it to me. I redrew it eventually, but it wasn’t as nice as the original.  

    I’m trying not to think about all that I’ve missed out on and the regrets that I have thanks to my fears and anxieties. It’s not healthy mentally to dwell on these. My mind does seem to drift back to them a lot though.

   I have done some strange things to avoid socialization. I pretended that I had fallen asleep when I was at a party with my boyfriend in either 1999 or 2000. I could hear people talking about 2 shows that I liked back then- “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “The X-Files”. Part of me wished that I hadn’t been too afraid to join in on this conversation.

    I could have seen Blondie when they were performing at a festival event in Clark 3 or 4 years ago but I didn’t think that I could handle being around the large crowd that surely turned up for this. Smokey Robinson was at a balloon festival in Readington which is a little past Somerville, I think. I was too afraid to drive there.  I really wish that I had been able to overcome my anxieties for both of these events.

   Normals would probably say that I need to get over my low self-esteem and anxiety issues and move on by getting a job and trying to be a part of society. I know this, but they aren’t in my head so they don’t realize how much of a struggle this is.

   They might say “Stop making excuses” too. Would they think that I am being self-centered in a way also for even being too afraid to do volunteer work somewhere?

   Surely Amy would say that I have been doing so well lately with my anxiety issues, giving all those concert experiences as an example. I can only give myself minimal credit for that. These are just fun activities that are more like fantasyland and not the reality of having a job and friends. 

 

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                                                                  My Drawing

 

                                                                 Bicentennial Parade

 

                                    

 

                   

The X Files

 

 

 

 

                         

                         

                                 

 

                            

 

 

 

 

 

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Shopping As Therapy In Excess - Not Good

My favourite brand of sneakers and shoes - Skechers. Got this pair and one
other as a part of the buy 1 get one half price sale at their store in Woodbridge
Mall last month.

I've been on a flannel shirt kick the past couple of months. I bought about 8 of them at a few different stores - Target, Old Navy and JC Penney on sale or clearance price of 12.00 or under. This one was more money though - 25.00 at Garage at Woodbridge Mall. I shouldn't have paid that much

These adorable doggie p.j.'s are from Kohl's. I actually ordered them onlinebecause the store didn't have my size. I did not know that you can order items at the store that you don't have to pay shipping costs. They were about 20.00 and I did save around 24.00 on them.

This cute cardigan if from Macy's. I had a 10.00 coupon from the paper so it cost only 15.00 after this and the sales price. I got mom the small Aflac duck which was their holiday stuffed animal for this year. I have the Scooby from about 6 years ago.

Sears seems to be the only store that still sells my favorite brand of jewelry - 1928. It is now sold as 2028 in other stores like Macy's. I got a good deal on it this time - 40% off. The Charter Club and 2028 earrings were on clearance at Macy's. I am totally addicted to fashion jewelry and have spent way too much money on it over the past 10 years.

The past couple of months I've been going bonkers with the spending which is not a good thing especially because I have been hitting other important funds like the computer savings one to pay for these shopping sprees. I have been guilty of using shopping as therapy to relieve my anxiety and depression throughout certain periods in the past decade. I was doing really well for about a year and a half but then starting last September I was at it again. The high of this is only temporary though. You would think that by now I would have learned my lesson but I keep turning to taking trips to the mall, Kohl's, Target and various other places to try to cheer me up. I really need to try and choose better ways of coping, like reading a book, connecting with my friends and watching DVDs from the library. I had some computer time last week which I should have been devoting to my friends here but instead I was looking at the Sears and Skechers sites for sneakers. I wound up buying 2 more pairs yesterday and they didn't even still have the special sale going on at the Skechers store. I'm always one for getting a good bargain so this impulse buy is even worse than my usual spending sprees. As if I don't have enough Skecher's to begin with - it's up to 12 pairs and I am now semi obsessing about one other that I want. This is pretty bad.

Too much tension/My Anorexia

My brain is being blocked from focusing on doing things on the computer these days by the tension that my brother has been putting mom and I through. There have been 2 of his very angry verbal assaults over the past 5 or 6 weeks, the most recent 3 days ago. Both of them started out with me using his computer and how much he hates this but of course led to other topics that he put me down about. The were very scary episodes - it was like a demon was attacking me. He accused me of being the one that has a whole bunch of mental problems when it is him who has some serious issues like taking out his anger and frustrations out on me which gets worse whenever I try to stand up for myself which was what I was trying to do these 2 times.

I have not been dealing with all this stress that well. I have been buying alot of stuff like jewelry on ebay and beanie babies from an online site to try to make me feel better which works for a little while but then I get depressed about using money that I should be saving for important stuff like new eyeglasses. I'm probably being repetitive about things in this post but that's the way it is around here - like a bad episode of a show that you don't even like but are being forced to watch. I have to live in this nightmare because of financial reasons and having to take care of my mom who has alot of health issues.

I have to admit something else that I've been doing which is not good but I can't seem to stop now that I've started. I have returned to my eating disorder that I had battled with a few times in the 1990s. I am not as bad with the restricting of the calories like I was back then though and part of me actually wishes that I had the same willpower. I think that I have cut only a few hundred calories a day so the weight loss has been pretty slow. I have this debate going on in my head - I want to stop doing this so that I don't get so sick that I will miss out on going to the US Open in a few months but part of me doesn't even seem to care about that and even wishes that I would somehow get so bad that I die just so that I could get away from my brother since there is no other way to escape that creep.

I hear his voice putting me down in my head even when he isn't here. He is constantly criticizing me about every little thing and actually has the nerve to say that I am the one that is stressing him out. I treat him pretty damn well despite him treating me like shit. He has no respect for me or appreciate what I do around here. I pay the bills , cook dinner and drive him and mom places since neither of them are able to drive. This means nothing to him - all that he does is far more significant. He is a self centered jerk. He is always complaining, teasing me and saying inappropriate things. He seems to enjoy upsetting us. His latest thing is to say that we are lazy and can't understand why we enjoy watching tv and reading, saying how boring that is. We are supposed to agree with his opinions too and whenever we express ours he says that this is stupid or crazy.

He leaves the lids on the jar of mayo and laundry detergent so tightly that mom and I can't get them off then laughs at us and calls us weak. If we are happy about something he puts us down and questions how can we be happy about that. He wants us to be just as miserable as he is. Why is he allowed to be happy about his Mirza winning a tennis match but when I'm excited about Fish winning he says it's only tennis and why are you getting all happy about that. I am afraid to even talk around him anymore because he finds a way to put me down about it.

He accuses me of sounding like I'm yelling at him when I'm just talking normally. He called me a big baby when I was nearly in tears during his recent verbal assault. Then he was mad at mom for taking my side saying that she always does this and that I always get my way. Most of the time mom is too scared to stand by my side and help me in these battles and alot of the time afterwards she pops her migraine and/or anxitey pills to escape this intolerable behaviour of his.

I do go to therapy and vent out my issues which helps a little. I am afraid to tell her that I've returned to some of my anorexic ways though. It's not good that most nights I pray that God will just let me die in my sleep because I can't take the hell that he is putting me through. This and other stresses like mom and money worrries are making me feel like I am suffocating. I feel as if I have very little strength left and could easily fall apart. I haven't even felt like coming to this site lately because I just don't even have the energy to write a post and read posts. I have lots of photos and ideas for posts but just can't think straight to do anything about it.

I've gone on and on this and could probably type much more just about all the mean things that my brother does and says. I have covered some of this in previous posts like how he hates us watching our Food Network shows. As if we are commiting a crime for watching Paula Deen. He is such an awful human being. Even when we go grocery shopping he puts me down for buying 2 heads of lettuce but he is allowed to get his pudding cake which he definitely doesn't need because he should be losing some weight. He is always making awful comments about overweight women and doesn't care that this offends me and I'm sure mom too - she used to be very overweight before the gastric bypass surgery in 1979. I have a fear of getting fat which is part of why I have eating disorder issues.

I will stop this depressing post now even though part of me wants to continue and mention his other bad behaviours like the constant teasing about guys and how much of a control freak that he is. It's almost lunchtime now - I know that I should probably put a piece of cheese on my sandwich like I used to but the anorexic in me is too strong and won't let me. It needs to be in control since I feel so out of control about practically everything else in my life.

2 Deaths And a Bad Fall In The Family

I haven't been at this site much lately because I've been kind of depressed about a few awful things that have happened over the past few month. My Aunt Dorothy died at the beginning of February and a few weeks ago my Uncle Mike also passed away. They are both my Dad's siblings. And last week my Mom fell three times and on the third one wound up breaking her collarbone. She is in a special rehabilitation unit of the hospital now. I just found out today that this is not covered under charity care, only Medicare so we are responsible for 20% of the bill. My mom has so many medical bills as is. I feel so guilty for being mad at her because the reason that she fell was because she overdid it on her as needed meds which she has been doing for many years. It is hard focusing on much of anything even reading blogs and doing posts because of all of this stress. I will try to get back into doing both sometime soon. I miss my friends here.

The top photo is of mom and I at the Danbury Depot Restraunt in the Poconos PA in 1994. The one of Uncle Mike is from the Christmas of 1980 and that's my Aunt Dorothy at my 8th grade graduation party in 1983. I feel so terrible because I didn't really associate with Dad's side of the family much after my parent's divorce in the early 1990s. I only saw them a little in the mid 90's and a few times after that. Uncle Mike was in the VA hospital for many years. He would send me a Christmas card with money in it every year. I wish that I had been closer to them. I have some good memories of them from my childhood like getting to go to movies for free because my aunt worked at the theater and Uncle Mike teaching us lessons like look both ways before you cross the street and don't sit too close to the TV because it will ruin your eyes.

Too Much Stress

I have many topics that I'd like to post about and posts that I'd love to read but lately I just haven't felt up to doing so. I just feel so emotionally drained. My mom's health has not been good lately. She had a mini stroke on September 5. She was supposed to go for physical therapy shortly afterwards but she kept putting this off. I took charge and called the hospital about this earlier this week and they are supposed to call me back today. She has fallen 3 times since May - 2 times down steps and once in a parking lot. I had to take her to the ER last week.

I went with her to her 2 doctor's appointments to let them know about my concerns and to find out all about her problems. She has kept me in the dark about some of them. She has diabetes, high blood pressure, gastric reflux, depression, anxiety and a few other health issues. She just hasn't even been taking good care of herself which is really upsetting - it's as if she doesn't care anymore. I'm sure that some people might think that I'm a bitch for saying that I can't handle this stress. I do love my mother. I just don't have much strength to deal with even my own issues.

Her health problems started a long time ago and just have gotten worse over the years. She had gastric bypass surgery in 1979 when it was a new procedure and they botched it up and a few years later had to have another surgery to try to correct this. Since then she's has gastric problems. She also gets migraine headaches often. She used to take a nose spray and got addicted to it. She was really out of it sometimes - even hallucinating. Very scary. She was also taking pills for this at the same time. Her one doctor got in trouble once for over prescribing the spray.

She used to be on Valium for many years. I remember a time in the late 70's when I saw her on the kitchen floor. The ambulance came and I was crying. She had taken too many of those pills and it wasn't until about 6 years ago when I had to look through some of her paperwork that I found out that she had attempted suicide which made me both sad and angry. Dad and his family did cause her alot of anxiety. I was glad when she was taken off of this med. It's very addictive and I know she was overusing it. It's only been a few years since she's been off of it.

I did try talking to her doctors about my concerns regarding her meds a few times but they never seemed to take me seriously. The one finally took her off Ambien, another powerful med that she was overdoing, but then she went to her other doctor and got a prescription off of him. No one on her side of the family has had the hallucination problem - I truly believe it is all the overusage of these meds that caused this. And no history of strokes either. My therapist agrees that all those years of being on these meds did contribute to the few mini strokes that she's had and even the hallucination issue.

I am trying my best to remain strong but it is very hard because I get easily overwhelmed and even simple things are hard for me to do. I had to take over the bill paying in August of 2006 and since then other stuff like filling out important paper work that mom can no longer handle. I can't help but think that sometimes she doesn't even want to try to do these things and just likes being looked after by me. That sounds so mean. She has trouble with many things even setting her alarm and dialing certain phone numbers. There is no history of dementia in her family so I'm blaming this on the med addiction too. She sleeps alot and seems to be in her own little world. I wish that I could magically make her all better.

I didn't mean to ramble on and on about this topic and maybe I should not have even mentioned all this but it just gets so hard to be in a positive frame of mind between this and the other huge source of stress in my life - my brother. I won't get into all that today. I've said enough for one day. I promise that I will soon return with my usual fun and upbeat topics and that I will read and comment on more of your posts too. I take blogging seriously - I make a list of posts that I want to read. I write down the ones that I've read. I have lots of photos in folders for my posts and have written a draft of the info of what I'll include in them. I really enjoy this site.

I hope that everyone has a great weekend.

Vacation Time/Thank You

My brother and I are kind of going on a vacation for 5 days next week. We will be taking a train into NYC then the subway to Queens to go to the US Open. We went there last year for the first time for 4 days. I have only been into the tennis for a few years. I wanted to go there in 2007 and 2008 but didn't because of my anxiety problem. I finally got a little brave last year but still was suffering from the anxiety while at this event so I was doing all sorts of stupid things and having trouble fully enjoying myself. Hopefully this year I will do better. I have been meaning to write about our adventures but haven't gotten around to it yet.

We will be taking the 6:30 train and spending the whole day there. We didn't get home until between 8 and 9 pm last year so it probably will be the same this time. I will be way too tired and won't have the time to come here. I will have alot of reading to catch up on the following week. I just want to thank everyone for reading my posts and leaving comments. Starting this blog and making connections has helped me to feel a little more confident and less scared to "socialize". Maybe I will be able to do this out there in the real world and not feel so anxious around people. I want to enjoy myself and not have fear and self-doubt ruin things for me again.