March 11, 2016- Wrangler Day- Part 2

We were able to get into the 2^nd taping thanks to the 2 girls behind us, a little lie, and the niceness of the staff. We hadn’t realized that we were on the regular line of people with tickets and not the standby one.

   The one girl had an extra 2 person ticket that she gave us. Neither of our names were on their list since we hadn’t actually signed up for this but Sally made it seem like we had. They made an exception, thank goodness.

   This was the taping of Meredith’s last show ever. There were a lot of flashback and farewell clips. The only guests were Mario Cantone and Joy Behar; neither of us were thrilled about this.

   I wish that one or more of the 4 that had been part of a clip segment that was made to seem like a live part of this show had been there. Three were from the Today show- Willie Geist, Hoda Kotb, and Kathie Lee. Regis Philbin was the other one.

   There is a panel segment with 4 other hosts besides her but I only knew one of them, Lance Bass who used to be in the group NSYNC. Sally told me that this part hadn’t been added to the 2^nd season and that she didn’t really care for it.

  Meredith’s cute little doggie was roaming around the studio during part of the show. He got close to us at one point. I wish that I could remember his name and that I had gotten a picture of him. You were only allowed to snap shots before and after the taping.

   She came up into the audience at the end of the show and was hugging people. Both Sally and I received a hug from her. I think that she might have even given me a kiss on the cheek. That seemed sort of surreal. She seems like a very nice lady.

   I did a lot of walking with Sally which was kind of tiring but what was even more exhausting was the socializing that I did. Naturally, I felt anxious and also like I was putting on an act during this. It is so pathetic that something so basic is always hard for me to do.

   Amy and Sharon would say that I did a good job of this. I can semi-agree with them. The day certainly turned out to be fun and also different from what I had expected. I am glad that I was able to motivate myself into going into the city.

   I still can’t help being mad at myself for not catching the earlier train though. I know- I have to try to let that go. I am dreading checking my email because I had entered to win a VIP pass for this special Wrangler event. I will be even more upset if I had indeed won this and could have been really close to him.

   I wish that I hadn’t been too afraid to go see Wrangler one or more other times, especially when he was a puppy. Amy is just going to tell me not to do the “if only” thing. That is so difficult in many cases particularly because of my defective brain problem.

   I didn’t get home until around 5:07. I was feeling so nervous when driving from the train station because there was already a lot of cars on the road. I prayed that I wouldn’t get into an accident.

   Mike was asleep on the couch. He woke up shortly after I ate my dinner. I showed him my photos and told him about the Meredith hug. We watched some of the Indian Wells tennis tournament. His constant talking, my tired brain, and wandering thoughts made it hard to focus on this though.

 

 

 

 

 

August 7- DD Concert- Bethlehem PA

I arrived in Bethlehem by noon. I should have taken a little bit later bus. I didn’t realize that there really isn’t much to do in that area. I had my lunch and wrote in my journal in a small park. I then went to Rite Aid where I got some Tic-Tacs.

   I looked in an upscale thrift shop then did some more sitting around and a bit of daydreaming in another area of that park.

   When I finally walked to the outdoor venue- Steel Stacks- I heard “Come Undone” DD was obviously doing a sound check. Part of me was thinking that maybe this was just on a stereo system at first. After that, I heard “Is There Something I Should Know?”

   I actually approached a girl in a Planet Earth t-shirt like I have but in blue and began talking to her around that time. We walked over to the fenced in area to try to find a spot where maybe we would be able to peek in to see DD but no such luck.

   I hung out with this girl, Jenny, and her parents before the show. They were so nice. Jenny also likes JT. I told her that I was ashamed about liking him and she said that I shouldn’t be.

   When her phone rang, I heard “Is There Something I Should Know?” as the ringtone. We were certain that they would be doing this during the show but that didn’t happen. So I guess that they don’t always perform stuff that is done during sound check.

   Jenny shared part of her chicken salad sub sandwich from Wawa with me. That saved me some money on dinner. I had only brought my lunch and some snacks and juice boxes with me.

     Jenny and her mother had good seats in the front section. Those tickets were all grabbed up by the employees of this venue and anyone who makes a pledge to its arts foundation; they were the first to go on presale.

   A small part of me is wishing that I had just made that pledge but that would have been an additional $100.00 that I would have had to take out of my auto repair fund. It is bad enough that I have been dipping into this for other DD stuff lately.

   It was cool that a couple of people who sat near me actually remembered me from previous DD concerts and events. Lori was the girl at the JT book signing who sent me some photos of it. The girl next to me was at the Wellmont and Central Park shows. I didn’t think that I was that memorable.

   Lori said that she would send me photos of this show. I felt bad that I didn’t say goodbye to her. I was worried about possibly missing the bus.

   I used my binoculars way too much during this concert, mostly on bassist guy. The lady to my left must have thought that I was obsessed with him. She motioned for me to move over so that I could get an even better view of him. That was nice of her.

   The show was good but it went by way too quickly; it only lasted for 75 minutes. Jenny and I didn’t care for the opening act, a girl singer. Her dad drove me to the bus stop. I am now Facebook friends with her.

   Unfortunately, I screwed up the bus schedule. I thought that the last bus to NYC was at 11:30 but it turns out that this is the last one from NYC to here. The driver said that the next one wasn’t until 7:30 a.m. and suggested that I stay at a hotel down the road.

   Thank goodness that a nice guy who I had been talking to while waiting for the bus offered to drive me to the Sands Resort Casino. I discovered that there was a 1:45 a.m. bus to NYC from this destination. That was a very long 2 hour wait for me.

   I did worry that the driver would say that I could not go on the bus because my ticket was for the other stop but luckily she didn’t. It’s the same line and the stop was not that far from this one.

   I was so damn exhausted. I think that I did fall half asleep for a bit during the ride. I had to wait about an hour for the first train to Linden at Penn Station.

   I went into Quick Check hoping to find a mocha Frappuccino. I was so happy that they had this. I took the cab home; I had just missed the first bus to my town.

   My brother was already awake when I got home. I was hoping to get a little peace and quiet before he woke up. I told him all about my adventure. I am sure that he thinks that it was crazy that I took a bus to PA just to see DD.

   I don’t remember when I first discovered that I had accidentally left the binocular case with the lens covers in it at the venue. I was very upset about this. I am too afraid to tell my brother about it.

   I found out from looking on Facebook that our childhood friend Cindy was also at this concert. Jenny had tagged me in a photo that she took at it. Cindy saw this and left a comment. I think it said “You were in my backyard.” She lives in Allentown.

    I did reply to this. We don’t usually interact on this site or elsewhere, except for birthday wishes. I haven’t seen her since her grandfather’s funeral in 1992.

   Even though I was upset about the bus fiasco, I was kind of glad that I didn’t get it right. If I had noticed that there wasn’t a bus until the next morning I probably would have never ordered a ticket for this venue.

    I am sure that Amy will say that she is proud of me for socializing at this event. I guess that I did an okay job of it but I was still feeling pretty anxious. I can’t see that I will ever feel comfortable doing so. That is kind of pathetic. I wish that I could be normal.

June 26, 2015- Communication

I had to talk to our neighbor when I was leaving the house for my therapy appointment. He was planting flowers in his yard. I had prayed that he would temporarily go inside so I could avoid this. Just saying hello and commenting on how nice the flowers are was a major effort.

   Yesterday, I was  about to take the bag out to the garbage can but when I saw our other neighbor out in his yard I put it down and waited until he went back inside before doing this. It’s not as if he is a monster that I should be fearful of but to me most interactions with people are frightening.

   I keep putting off getting a haircut because I am too anxious to call for an appointment and also about having to make small talk with the stylist when I am there.

   I am feeling less like talking to people now than ever before. It is just too difficult and mentally exhausting. I don’t have much to say and I am not that good at expressing myself. I really don’t even like the sound of my own voice. Also, it mostly feels like I am putting on a big act. I prefer just being an observer.

   Amy said that we will have to work on this issue but I don’t see how it would be possible for me to ever feel comfortable socializing. I am sure that most people would think that it is strange that it is so hard for me.

   I am the complete opposite of my brother who is very talkative even to strangers. I have moments when I feel less uneasy speaking to people but not that often. I am better at it in my dreams. If only this could be the case in reality too.

   Sometimes, Mike doesn’t understand what I am telling him so I have to re-explain myself which is frustrating. I have to do this for Mom and even my therapist occasionally too. Did I not say things clearly or do they just not get it? I mostly blame myself for not being good at communication.

    At times he criticizes what I am saying and/or tries to correct the way that I have done so. This makes me kind of afraid to even talk to him. He also does this to Mom.

   I often have to repeat myself to Mom and Mike because of their hearing problems and/or the fact that they aren’t really paying that much attention to me. Saying things the first time is hard enough so doing this again is tiring.

    It is also upsetting that they sometimes think that I am speaking in an angry tone which is far from the truth. I am a low talker so my voice just may sound like I am yelling when I raise it. They-particularly my brother-don’t seem to believe this, however.

   My brother occasionally will change the subject that I have brought up partway through our conversation because he seems bored and would rather talk about himself/his interests. This is pretty rude and upsetting.

   Occasionally, I worry that perhaps other people are also kind of uninterested in what I have to say. I have felt this way for a long time. I am sure that Amy would tell me that I need to change these negative types of thoughts. That is going to be very difficult.