July 24, 2015- Driving Anxiety

   My driving anxiety has been worse lately. The fact that my insurance rates would go up even if an accident isn’t my fault is part of this. I can’t afford for that to happen. There are more careless drivers on the road than ever before.

   I have tried explaining to my brother that it is more than just anxiety that makes it hard for me to drive but of course he never believes me. I get so overwhelmed by the entire process, from having to lookout for pedestrians, animals, potholes, debris, and other stuff on the road to worrying about car problems. I become mentally and physically exhausted from it too.

   I sometimes have trouble judging the distances of cars when I have to make turns- they seem closer than they actually are.

   Bad weather conditions like rain, snow, and icy roads makes it an even more frightening and stressful experience. I really dread the winter time. Driving at night is also very difficult.

   Traffic has been increasing in our area over the past 10- 15 years which is scary. There used to be a period of between like 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. when it wasn’t as bad. Now it seems like there isn’t much of a break from this.

   After my accident in 2013, I definitely was more afraid to drive. That girl had made a left turn when the light was red. Luckily, her father paid my car repair bill so the insurance company wasn’t even involved in this.

   I semi-freaked out during my first accident in the late 1990s. It was when I was taking my mother and brother to pick up their prescriptions. I was being extremely cautious when making the left into the parking lot but a car came speeding out of nowhere and did $900.00 worth of damage to the front bumper of my car, a 1990 Chevy Cavalier.

   I only got a ticket because I had forgotten to put the most recent insurance card in my car. I always make sure that I do so. It figures that the one time that I didn’t this accident happened.

   I am also still upset that I didn’t listen to my smart voice that told me not to try passing the recycle truck near our house in 2008. I am usually so careful. I shouldn’t have listened to Mom who said that there was enough room. Her judgement in many instances hasn’t been that great for quite some time.

   Because of my stupidity, there is a big dent on the passenger side of my car. I don’t even know how much that would cost to fix. I didn’t want to use the auto repair money on it though. I need that in case of more important problems/expenses.

   My mother and brother need me to be their taxi driver. It has been a long time since either of them have been able to drive. I think that for Mom it was 2000 and for my brother 1996.

   I do feel bad that my brother is unable to do so but sometimes he makes it seem like I am not doing a good job of this just because I am unable to take him everywhere he wants to go.

    It is even harder driving when one or both of them are in my car because their chattering is distracting. My brother does this more so than Mom, naturally.

   Also, they- particularly Mike- expect me to reply to some of this which I can’t do when I am trying to focus on driving. They seem a bit annoyed when I explain this to them which isn’t fair.

   I can’t help that I have a problem multi-tasking which is what this seems like to me. Can’t they be understanding of this? Yet they expect me to empathize with them about their problems.

   Often I feel as if many normals including my own family members would not be fully understanding of these issues. It is not as if I am making excuses for not being able to go places beyond my comfort zone but some people might think so.

   I pray that I won’t get into an accident each time before I get behind the wheel. I worry so much that this will happen. If it does, I just couldn’t cope with the stress of this, especially if injuries are involved.

   I can’t remember the last time that I didn’t feel really anxious when driving. I managed to drive to Washington DC once in the early 1990s. My brother went with me. That was a bit nerve wracking but I somehow overcame the fear.

   I was able to drive on Rt. 22 once a week to my therapy sessions in Somerville. I did that for about 6 years- 1998- 2004. It was about a 45 minute journey. I wouldn’t be able to go near that road nowadays. Also, anything over 11 minutes seems pretty darn far to me.

   I didn’t have so many problems back in those days. I just wish that I could be normal then driving would not seem so hard. I would love to be able to go to Turtleback Zoo again but unless there is public transportation that goes there this won’t be happening.

   My brother and I went there in 2012. I guess that at the time I was a little braver. I drove on the Parkway which was very frightening. I was on it only a few times since then. I just can’t handle it or the Turnpike anymore. My head feels like it is going to explode when driving on any major highways.

   Mom would like to visit her sister in Bordentown which is about 50 miles away from here. Mike wants to go to nearby Columbus Flea Market. It was so hard and terrifying when I drove Mom there in 2013 and Mike to the latter in 2012.

   The route to her house has changed dramatically since we were kids. There were more farms and open spaces on Rt. 1 and Rt. 130. Now there are so many strip malls, stores, town houses, and other places.

   I know that they are disappointed that I am no longer able to drive there. I worry that they might even be mad at me for not driving them anywhere beyond our local area. I don’t even want to go past this 5-7 mile radius myself. They will just have to learn to accept this.

                                                        

My 2005 Kia Spectre

July 14, 2015- Chris Young Stuff

   I watched 3 videos by Chris Young on You Tube this morning. My bad side has been going a bit gaga over him lately which naturally I am a bit embarrassed about.

      I can’t believe that a couple of months ago I was doing research on hotels, buses and trains, and cab companies for 5 different cities that he was doing a concert at. This was before he added the Long Island one that I am going to in few days.

   I had to search for the cities that either buses or trains go to that are closet to the places that these shows are being held. For Glen Allen, Virginia it is Richmond. That would have been my second choice. Mt. Pocono, PA is the closet so it would be the most practical and least expensive.

    I would not have the courage to drive there. A part of me did think about trying to do so. I don’t understand why the bus from NYC doesn’t just take you directly to that resort in PA like the one that goes to Foxwoods, CT did. I did not understand the shuttlebus schedule.

   Varysburg, New York is all the way up near Buffalo. That is way too far. Webster, MA is near Worcester. That would have been a good place to go to also. The trip to Dover involves a train to Wilmington then a bus to that city.

   There was also a show in Pomona, NY. There is a NJT train that goes to Spring Valley, NY, which is about 6 miles from that town. But because the concert was on a Sunday, there are not that many trains running later at night so I wouldn’t really have been able to go to that one.

   That was when I first thought about getting a prepaid cell phone so that I would have it to call for a cab. It was kind of crazy that I was even fantasizing that I could go on an adventure like that.

   I had done so for Duran Duran too during their last tour for the North Carolina show. I don’t think that I could ever actually travel that far to see any music performer, not even them.

   It was kind of fun looking into these travel destinations but also depressing. Travel will never be able to be a part of my budget. I didn’t even research the airlines; I would much rather go by bus or train so I can look at the scenery. It was so much fun doing that during the trip to CT nearly 3 years ago.

   I should just be happy because I was able to get this ticket but part of me is regretting that I didn’t go to the Ticketmaster site earlier to check out the prices. If I had, I would have seen that the show at Westbury Theatre had been added and could have gotten an even closer seat than row M there. I was able to do the presale purchase because of having a Citi Card. 

   I wish that I could remember more about my party dream. Three of my cousins- Missy, Terry, and Mandy- and my brother were there. So was Lionel Richie for a little while. He sang a bit of “All Night Long”. This was strange but cool.

   I also saw a music magazine on the coffee table. An article about Duran Duran was in it. I was too embarrassed to read it though which was ridiculous.

    How can I be happy about this concert when I have to deal with the family stress?  Mike was talking even more than usual yesterday, totally ruining my enjoyment of the Mets game. I think that from now on I have to spend most of the time in my room because my brain can’t take much more of his constant interruptions. It hurts so much from his loud motor mouth.

 Sometimes, I picture banging my head up against the wall and also screaming “Shut up!” I know that this is part of his illness, but he used to be not as bad. Are they not giving him the proper meds, or is it that he isn’t trying as hard not to do these things anymore?

   I am pretty sure that he has been on psych meds since the early 90s, or was it the late 80s? I do remember him taking Ritalin for his hyperactivity when he was a kid. I don’t think that he was on it for that long though.

 

 

 

                                                                

Overwhelmed

I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed these days. I haven't been able to even think straight to use the computer. I have many ideas and photos for posts but my head feels like it's going to explode just thinking about which to use next and what to write about it. Thoughts of my Buffy and Mookie are the only thing that is keeping me calm now. Maybe I've already used this photo. They both looked so relaxed. I miss them alot. There is so many things to be done on the computer like sending my tennis photos to Walgreens to be printed out, reading and commenting on my friend's posts here, looking up recipes at Food Network and more. I think that the stress that I am getting from being constantly criticized by my brother and having to put up with his many bad behaviors like being a control freak and complaining alot has made my brain feel drained of energy. I hope that I can somehow recharge it and get back to doing the things that I enjoy like connecting with everyone here. I hope that you have all been doing well lately. And thank you very much for stopping by and for your nice comments which if I haven't replied to yet will try to do so soon.

Snoopy Christmas Book

Just a quick post today - here's a Peanuts book that I forgot to include in my last post, which had been a special request by Chelly. I was looking through my folder of photos this afternoon and found this. I spent the past 2 hours escaping to my childhood by looking at the pictures of alot of my stuff from back then, including books, knick knacks and stuffed animals. I didn't want to be in the present after my stressful morning at the car dealership where I was getting my Kia fixed because there was a recall on a few things. I then found out a few more expensive things that must be done to it which made me upset. These will have to wait until next month. I will try to be like Pam and think positively and not let all this get to me. Hopefully on Friday I will have more mental energy and time to spend on the computer where reading and commenting on posts will definitely be a priority. Being at that place today for 4 hours totally wore me out.

Too much tension/My Anorexia

My brain is being blocked from focusing on doing things on the computer these days by the tension that my brother has been putting mom and I through. There have been 2 of his very angry verbal assaults over the past 5 or 6 weeks, the most recent 3 days ago. Both of them started out with me using his computer and how much he hates this but of course led to other topics that he put me down about. The were very scary episodes - it was like a demon was attacking me. He accused me of being the one that has a whole bunch of mental problems when it is him who has some serious issues like taking out his anger and frustrations out on me which gets worse whenever I try to stand up for myself which was what I was trying to do these 2 times.

I have not been dealing with all this stress that well. I have been buying alot of stuff like jewelry on ebay and beanie babies from an online site to try to make me feel better which works for a little while but then I get depressed about using money that I should be saving for important stuff like new eyeglasses. I'm probably being repetitive about things in this post but that's the way it is around here - like a bad episode of a show that you don't even like but are being forced to watch. I have to live in this nightmare because of financial reasons and having to take care of my mom who has alot of health issues.

I have to admit something else that I've been doing which is not good but I can't seem to stop now that I've started. I have returned to my eating disorder that I had battled with a few times in the 1990s. I am not as bad with the restricting of the calories like I was back then though and part of me actually wishes that I had the same willpower. I think that I have cut only a few hundred calories a day so the weight loss has been pretty slow. I have this debate going on in my head - I want to stop doing this so that I don't get so sick that I will miss out on going to the US Open in a few months but part of me doesn't even seem to care about that and even wishes that I would somehow get so bad that I die just so that I could get away from my brother since there is no other way to escape that creep.

I hear his voice putting me down in my head even when he isn't here. He is constantly criticizing me about every little thing and actually has the nerve to say that I am the one that is stressing him out. I treat him pretty damn well despite him treating me like shit. He has no respect for me or appreciate what I do around here. I pay the bills , cook dinner and drive him and mom places since neither of them are able to drive. This means nothing to him - all that he does is far more significant. He is a self centered jerk. He is always complaining, teasing me and saying inappropriate things. He seems to enjoy upsetting us. His latest thing is to say that we are lazy and can't understand why we enjoy watching tv and reading, saying how boring that is. We are supposed to agree with his opinions too and whenever we express ours he says that this is stupid or crazy.

He leaves the lids on the jar of mayo and laundry detergent so tightly that mom and I can't get them off then laughs at us and calls us weak. If we are happy about something he puts us down and questions how can we be happy about that. He wants us to be just as miserable as he is. Why is he allowed to be happy about his Mirza winning a tennis match but when I'm excited about Fish winning he says it's only tennis and why are you getting all happy about that. I am afraid to even talk around him anymore because he finds a way to put me down about it.

He accuses me of sounding like I'm yelling at him when I'm just talking normally. He called me a big baby when I was nearly in tears during his recent verbal assault. Then he was mad at mom for taking my side saying that she always does this and that I always get my way. Most of the time mom is too scared to stand by my side and help me in these battles and alot of the time afterwards she pops her migraine and/or anxitey pills to escape this intolerable behaviour of his.

I do go to therapy and vent out my issues which helps a little. I am afraid to tell her that I've returned to some of my anorexic ways though. It's not good that most nights I pray that God will just let me die in my sleep because I can't take the hell that he is putting me through. This and other stresses like mom and money worrries are making me feel like I am suffocating. I feel as if I have very little strength left and could easily fall apart. I haven't even felt like coming to this site lately because I just don't even have the energy to write a post and read posts. I have lots of photos and ideas for posts but just can't think straight to do anything about it.

I've gone on and on this and could probably type much more just about all the mean things that my brother does and says. I have covered some of this in previous posts like how he hates us watching our Food Network shows. As if we are commiting a crime for watching Paula Deen. He is such an awful human being. Even when we go grocery shopping he puts me down for buying 2 heads of lettuce but he is allowed to get his pudding cake which he definitely doesn't need because he should be losing some weight. He is always making awful comments about overweight women and doesn't care that this offends me and I'm sure mom too - she used to be very overweight before the gastric bypass surgery in 1979. I have a fear of getting fat which is part of why I have eating disorder issues.

I will stop this depressing post now even though part of me wants to continue and mention his other bad behaviours like the constant teasing about guys and how much of a control freak that he is. It's almost lunchtime now - I know that I should probably put a piece of cheese on my sandwich like I used to but the anorexic in me is too strong and won't let me. It needs to be in control since I feel so out of control about practically everything else in my life.

Drowning From the Stress

I have taken so many pictures lately, some of which I have already added to the computer and more still on another memory card so I have plenty of topics that I would like to write about but today I'm just feeling too blue to even do so. According to my brother, what I am doing here is a waste of time and stupid. His frequent put downs are really getting to me and standing up for myself just makes things worse. I'm the bitch and crazy one in his eyes. I have to live with this rude, self centered person for
financial reasons plus my mom is here and I have to look after her because her health is bad. I try to do things that I enjoy like coming to this site and reading my favourite blogs and doing my posts but I have to do this when he isn't around because it is
his computer and he seems to hate when I use it. Oh, but I have to be his chauffeur because he is unable to drive. I don't even
care if he sees this. Not that he would. I have it as a link on my Facebook page but it is doubtful that he ever comes here. What's the worst that he could do if he reads this, give me even more verbal abuse?

He is the center of the universe and we must pay attention to him. It doesn't matter if he interrupts mom or I when we are reading or watching something on TV, for what he has to say is far more important. Whatever we read or watch is stupid to him. We should be reading history and educational books, not mysteries. Everytime we put the TV on especially the Food Network he has to say "oh, not the tv again - you always have that on." or something like that. He is allowed to enjoy his sports on it though. And if we interrupt him during anything he has a fit and yells at us yet he can't see how rude he is being towards us.

He wants everything his way. He is worse than a spoiled little boy. Our way is dumb and wrong. His way is right. If I want to keep 2 granola bars in a box that I paid for then I am allowed too but he likes to take things out of boxes and bags at certain points so he will just go into our stuff and do the same. You can not reason with this guy. It is totally futile. We have tried family therapy in the
past and that did not work at all. He thought we were all ganging up on him. I have pictured punching him and worse many times
when he upsets me. I don't even care anymore if God sends me to hell for these mean thoughts. I sort of feel like I'm already there anyway.

I think of my brother as Markzilla or Darth Mark sometimes. He is like the evil character in a movie. I don't even think that there is any hope that he will ever see that he is hurting us so much. When we tell him how upset he makes us sometimes he just accuses us of over reacting. My guy friend is tired of hearing about all the terrible things that Mark does. I try not to complain that much and be positive around him, but obviously living with someone who mentally abuses me like this does take it's toll on me and there are times when I can't help feeling so depressed. Yes, I do go to therapy and this venting to my therapist does help a little, but having to deal with this constant stress makes me feel so fragile, as if I will break soon. I have tried to be strong but there is only so much that one person can take before he or she comes undone. I just pray that I won't have a breakdown.

I could go on and on about all the horrible things that he does and says to make my life so stressful but I'll stop now because even
just thinking about this is making me sick to my stomach, plus it's lunchtime and I want to try to enjoy my meal. Tomorrow I will return to my usual upbeat posts. Sorry to be such a downer today.

Too Much Stress

I have many topics that I'd like to post about and posts that I'd love to read but lately I just haven't felt up to doing so. I just feel so emotionally drained. My mom's health has not been good lately. She had a mini stroke on September 5. She was supposed to go for physical therapy shortly afterwards but she kept putting this off. I took charge and called the hospital about this earlier this week and they are supposed to call me back today. She has fallen 3 times since May - 2 times down steps and once in a parking lot. I had to take her to the ER last week.

I went with her to her 2 doctor's appointments to let them know about my concerns and to find out all about her problems. She has kept me in the dark about some of them. She has diabetes, high blood pressure, gastric reflux, depression, anxiety and a few other health issues. She just hasn't even been taking good care of herself which is really upsetting - it's as if she doesn't care anymore. I'm sure that some people might think that I'm a bitch for saying that I can't handle this stress. I do love my mother. I just don't have much strength to deal with even my own issues.

Her health problems started a long time ago and just have gotten worse over the years. She had gastric bypass surgery in 1979 when it was a new procedure and they botched it up and a few years later had to have another surgery to try to correct this. Since then she's has gastric problems. She also gets migraine headaches often. She used to take a nose spray and got addicted to it. She was really out of it sometimes - even hallucinating. Very scary. She was also taking pills for this at the same time. Her one doctor got in trouble once for over prescribing the spray.

She used to be on Valium for many years. I remember a time in the late 70's when I saw her on the kitchen floor. The ambulance came and I was crying. She had taken too many of those pills and it wasn't until about 6 years ago when I had to look through some of her paperwork that I found out that she had attempted suicide which made me both sad and angry. Dad and his family did cause her alot of anxiety. I was glad when she was taken off of this med. It's very addictive and I know she was overusing it. It's only been a few years since she's been off of it.

I did try talking to her doctors about my concerns regarding her meds a few times but they never seemed to take me seriously. The one finally took her off Ambien, another powerful med that she was overdoing, but then she went to her other doctor and got a prescription off of him. No one on her side of the family has had the hallucination problem - I truly believe it is all the overusage of these meds that caused this. And no history of strokes either. My therapist agrees that all those years of being on these meds did contribute to the few mini strokes that she's had and even the hallucination issue.

I am trying my best to remain strong but it is very hard because I get easily overwhelmed and even simple things are hard for me to do. I had to take over the bill paying in August of 2006 and since then other stuff like filling out important paper work that mom can no longer handle. I can't help but think that sometimes she doesn't even want to try to do these things and just likes being looked after by me. That sounds so mean. She has trouble with many things even setting her alarm and dialing certain phone numbers. There is no history of dementia in her family so I'm blaming this on the med addiction too. She sleeps alot and seems to be in her own little world. I wish that I could magically make her all better.

I didn't mean to ramble on and on about this topic and maybe I should not have even mentioned all this but it just gets so hard to be in a positive frame of mind between this and the other huge source of stress in my life - my brother. I won't get into all that today. I've said enough for one day. I promise that I will soon return with my usual fun and upbeat topics and that I will read and comment on more of your posts too. I take blogging seriously - I make a list of posts that I want to read. I write down the ones that I've read. I have lots of photos in folders for my posts and have written a draft of the info of what I'll include in them. I really enjoy this site.

I hope that everyone has a great weekend.

Mean Thoughts

This is my brother and I - Christmas 1989. We got along pretty well back then. Once the 90's came things started going downhill. I had alot of mean thoughts about him today because he was being verbally abusive towards me. These past 5 years have been especially bad. He is so self centered and wants everything to be his way. I have to live with him and mom because of our financial situations. Somedays I wish that God would just let me die in my sleep so I wouldn't have to be around him anymore. He causes us such stress but naturally refuses to see this but tells us we are the ones causing him alot of stress. He got on my case yet again about using his computer and said that me comparing it to having to drive them around in my car is not the same at all. I went upstairs and listened to a Duran Duran CD - Astronaut to try to calm myself down because music sometimes helps. It did but only a tiny bit. I was crying and thinking to myself that it feels like I haven't had a brother in a long time. When we watch certain shows together and go to concerts it feels like he is still my brother. It is so mean that I picture him as Darth Mark or Markzilla sometimes.

Stressed Out

My brother's computer wasn't working for the past few days which was frustrating because I missed blogging and reading blogs. The fact that I enjoy doing this seems to annoy my brother which makes me feel very depressed and angry. We had an arguement about this on Sunday. He is very self-centered and accused me of spending too much time on his computer. When I tried to stand up for myself he just verbally abused me as he always does in such a situation.

I don't really spend that much time on it. It just takes me a long time to type. He has the same problem yet he won't be understanding towards me. He's this way about alot of things. He is considerate of everyone else but his own sister and mother. It's pathetic that the three of us have to live together because of financial reasons.

Neither he nor my mother drive. They have licenses but are unable to because their meds make them drowsy and have other side effects. So I am the family chauffeur. I am still making payments on my car which costs a hell of alot more than his computer so he shouldn't be complaining about me using his computer. I tried reasoning with him but he said something like"Well you have to drive us places, you don't have to use a computer that much" In his eyes I am the illogical physcobitch.

It is very stressful living with someone like this. I am using the computer now because he is not home. I guess from now on it'll have to be this way which is so unfair. I'm just afraid that one of these days he is going to change the password. God, how I wish that I could afford my own computer.

Does God think that I'm a terrible person for having mean thoughts about him? I am the complete opposite of him. He is very loud and talks alot. I'm quiet. I am a pretty considerate person. If I see that he's reading or watching TV I won't interrupt him like he does to me. My stuff isn't that important according to him. He needs to be the center of attention. Family therapy definitely didn't help- he just got worse. He doesn't believe that he's doing anything wrong.

I could go on and on about how stressful it is living in this enviornment but I would like to move on and read some blogs to cheer me up. Next time I will try to be more positive. I don't know when that will be. He's usually not around during the day on Friday, so maybe then. I doubt that he'll ever read this. I do have a link here on my facebook page and he's one of my friends. I don't even care anymore. Well, part of me is a little worried. My head hurts so much from all the tension.