I always seem to be beating myself up about something - I can't help it, this is the way my brain works, unfortunately. I even do so about my blogging. I compare myself to other blogs and think that mine is pretty bad in some aspects like writing style and presentation. I forget to include certain details in my post. I don't do a good job of expressing my thoughts. I know it's only a blog and it does not have to be perfect but I just wish that I could be better at it.
I guess I've been putting myself down alot because things always go wrong for me and I hardly ever learn from my mistakes even in simple aspects of my life like working on my scrapbook project. I cut something out of a paper or magazine and I tell myself it is fine but then a part of me says that it could be better and keeps cutting until I wind up making it look kind of crappy. It's like my brain is incapable of listening to the smart voice. I just feel so defeated and like things will never change.
I do the same dumb things over and over at concerts and other events too. I either use the binoculars too much or not enough, I don't look at the screen much and I go overboard with the camera. I never even brought a camera with me until a Duran Duran concert in 2008 because I would rather focus on the music but the bossy illogical side took over and made me buy a digital one the day before this event. I couldn't control that part of me and I wound up taking way too many pictures and now that's like my main memory of the night when it should be the music. You would think that I had learned my lesson after that night but I did the same thing at a few of the matches at the US Open last year. I am not too bright.
I know that I have to learn to stop beating myself up about past stupidities and let go of these bad memories but it is difficult for me to do so. I am not sure how long I have been so critical of myself. Maybe since the early 90's but I wasn't as bad then as I have been the past 10 years.
I have this memory of cleaning the bathroom when I was about 15. I did a really good and thorough job of it. My Dad went in there and pointed out the one thing that I had forgotten to clean - the soap dish. I don't think that he even said that the room looked nice. Perhaps this was the start of my self- criticism but I don't think I was doing it that much back then.
I would like to write some more today but I am feeling tired and kind of anxious. I have never encountered the computer virus problem before a couple of days ago when I was leaving a comment on someone's post at this site. We do have anti-virus protection but I was still worried about this. I didn't even tell my brother about it because I was afraid he'd blame me and never let me use his computer again. I guess that everything is alright. It happened again today when I went to a post to read it. Now I'm even scared to come here anymore.
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