June 10- Crushes

I remember playing Truth or Dare at Nancy’s birthday/slumber party in 6^th grade and instead of admitting who I had a crush on I drank out of the dog’s dish for the dare.

    Dad took a picture of me with 2 of my crushes after 8^th grade graduation. Obviously, Mike told him about them but I’m not quite sure how he found out. Did I write about this in my diary and he read it or did he overhear me telling Kim or mom about them?  I don’t remember ever doing either. I would not have admitted this to him, would I? Whatever- it’s so embarrassing that Dad did that.

   My other crush told me not to stare at him anymore sometime in the 7^th grade. This has often been on my mind when I have looked at cute guys since then. I realize that this sounds ridiculous but I can’t help it. Amy and Sharon always tell me that it is perfectly fine for me to be doing so but I don’t know if I can make myself believe this. 

    Mike told me that in the mid-90s a neighborhood boy, Stephen, who used to hang out with him sometimes at our house, had a crush on me which I found hard to believe. But then in about 2000 when I was walking around town with my boyfriend we saw Stephen in his yard and while we were talking to him he told me so himself.

   Shouldn’t I have been flattered? I was thinking how strange it was to hear this. He’s 4 or 5 younger than me. That was in the mid-80s; I looked so dorky then- bad hairdos and big glasses. I’ve been wearing glasses since the 3^rd grade.

 

My Own Worst Critic

I always seem to be beating myself up about something - I can't help it, this is the way my brain works, unfortunately. I even do so about my blogging. I compare myself to other blogs and think that mine is pretty bad in some aspects like writing style and presentation. I forget to include certain details in my post. I don't do a good job of expressing my thoughts. I know it's only a blog and it does not have to be perfect but I just wish that I could be better at it.

I guess I've been putting myself down alot because things always go wrong for me and I hardly ever learn from my mistakes even in simple aspects of my life like working on my scrapbook project. I cut something out of a paper or magazine and I tell myself it is fine but then a part of me says that it could be better and keeps cutting until I wind up making it look kind of crappy. It's like my brain is incapable of listening to the smart voice. I just feel so defeated and like things will never change.

I do the same dumb things over and over at concerts and other events too. I either use the binoculars too much or not enough, I don't look at the screen much and I go overboard with the camera. I never even brought a camera with me until a Duran Duran concert in 2008 because I would rather focus on the music but the bossy illogical side took over and made me buy a digital one the day before this event. I couldn't control that part of me and I wound up taking way too many pictures and now that's like my main memory of the night when it should be the music. You would think that I had learned my lesson after that night but I did the same thing at a few of the matches at the US Open last year. I am not too bright.

I know that I have to learn to stop beating myself up about past stupidities and let go of these bad memories but it is difficult for me to do so. I am not sure how long I have been so critical of myself. Maybe since the early 90's but I wasn't as bad then as I have been the past 10 years.

I have this memory of cleaning the bathroom when I was about 15. I did a really good and thorough job of it. My Dad went in there and pointed out the one thing that I had forgotten to clean - the soap dish. I don't think that he even said that the room looked nice. Perhaps this was the start of my self- criticism but I don't think I was doing it that much back then.

I would like to write some more today but I am feeling tired and kind of anxious. I have never encountered the computer virus problem before a couple of days ago when I was leaving a comment on someone's post at this site. We do have anti-virus protection but I was still worried about this. I didn't even tell my brother about it because I was afraid he'd blame me and never let me use his computer again. I guess that everything is alright. It happened again today when I went to a post to read it. Now I'm even scared to come here anymore.

Boyfriends

Do I really want a new boyfriend? I always have this internal debate about this subject. I haven't had one since December of 2001. He dumped me just before my birthday. I wish that I had dumped him first because I could see that we were drifting apart even 6 months before this. He didn't call me for like 3 weeks once and was spending alot more time with his friends.

I've been in few relationships before this and personally would like to forget about them. Sometimes I'd like to pretend that I never even had any boyfriends at all. The friendship part of them was okay. I just never did get fully into the romance/intimate part of them. I did try but maybe I just don't have the ability to have those type of emotions.

I did have a boyfriend that I was not attracted to physically and I let him know this and he said that this was fine. It was stupid and naive of me to believe this. Eventually his true feelings came out- he believed that once I got over my eating disorder- anorexia- that I would love him in that certain way. I was also an idiot for taking him back 3 times over a 9 year period. I must've been desperate for a friend and because of my social anxiety didn't really have anyone else. He sometimes played mind games with me but I don't want to be remembering that now.

I did have one boyfriend that was very nice to me. We met in a record store. He was going to college in Philly. I visited him there once. I never even got intimate with him and we only dated for about 3 months, maybe 4. I feel really bad because one day when he called I did something very stupid. Instead of just not answering the phone because I didn't feel up to talking to anyone then, I pretended to be my mother and said that Lara's not home. He didn't let on that he knew that it was me but I could tell that he really wasn't buying this. He never called me again after that. Maybe part of my brain did this because I was afraid of getting closer to someone nice when I had been involved with not so nice guys before.

One of my boyfriends actually was going to ask me to move in with him. He told me this on the day that I broke up with him. I'm pretty sure that I told him that I was getting back together with my old boyfriend. I probably should not have said that. And I definitely shouldn't have hooked up with Mr Mind Games again.

I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 21. The first one turned out to be a real jerk. I found out that he had another girlfriend at the same time. I felt so awful and wished that I had not done those naughty things with him on only the second date. Looking back, I feel like such a slut.

I have some guy issues because of incidents that happened with an uncle when I was 15 - 16. He was harrasing me and said that he loved me and we went to court over this but all that's too personal so I won't get into it. I'm sure that this is part of the reason that I have such issues. I know that I should get over them but it's hard to do so.

I have very low self esteem so I can't see where any guy would ever be interested in a plain looking loser like me. I feel embarrased to even be looking at cute guys. I saw one in the supermarket today and looked at him really quickly then put my head down and was thinking that I hope that he didn't see me looking at him. I had a crush on a boy in grade school. One time he told me not to stare at him anymore. It's crazy that this is still in my head but I can't help it. Yes, I do go to therapy to work on my issues.

I feel so embarrased that I have dirty thoughts and dreams and wish that I could kill that side of me and just be neutral about guys. I call that part of me my bad side. She often wishes that she could have a boyfriend and I try to convince her that I don't need one of those. My head hurts sometimes from trying to defeat that part of me. I must sound like a very strange girl.