Sunday, April 25, 2010


Do I really want a new boyfriend? I always have this internal debate about this subject. I haven't had one since December of 2001. He dumped me just before my birthday. I wish that I had dumped him first because I could see that we were drifting apart even 6 months before this. He didn't call me for like 3 weeks once and was spending alot more time with his friends.

I've been in few relationships before this and personally would like to forget about them. Sometimes I'd like to pretend that I never even had any boyfriends at all. The friendship part of them was okay. I just never did get fully into the romance/intimate part of them. I did try but maybe I just don't have the ability to have those type of emotions.

I did have a boyfriend that I was not attracted to physically and I let him know this and he said that this was fine. It was stupid and naive of me to believe this. Eventually his true feelings came out- he believed that once I got over my eating disorder- anorexia- that I would love him in that certain way. I was also an idiot for taking him back 3 times over a 9 year period. I must've been desperate for a friend and because of my social anxiety didn't really have anyone else. He sometimes played mind games with me but I don't want to be remembering that now.

I did have one boyfriend that was very nice to me. We met in a record store. He was going to college in Philly. I visited him there once. I never even got intimate with him and we only dated for about 3 months, maybe 4. I feel really bad because one day when he called I did something very stupid. Instead of just not answering the phone because I didn't feel up to talking to anyone then, I pretended to be my mother and said that Lara's not home. He didn't let on that he knew that it was me but I could tell that he really wasn't buying this. He never called me again after that. Maybe part of my brain did this because I was afraid of getting closer to someone nice when I had been involved with not so nice guys before.

One of my boyfriends actually was going to ask me to move in with him. He told me this on the day that I broke up with him. I'm pretty sure that I told him that I was getting back together with my old boyfriend. I probably should not have said that. And I definitely shouldn't have hooked up with Mr Mind Games again.

I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 21. The first one turned out to be a real jerk. I found out that he had another girlfriend at the same time. I felt so awful and wished that I had not done those naughty things with him on only the second date. Looking back, I feel like such a slut.

I have some guy issues because of incidents that happened with an uncle when I was 15 - 16. He was harrasing me and said that he loved me and we went to court over this but all that's too personal so I won't get into it. I'm sure that this is part of the reason that I have such issues. I know that I should get over them but it's hard to do so.

I have very low self esteem so I can't see where any guy would ever be interested in a plain looking loser like me. I feel embarrased to even be looking at cute guys. I saw one in the supermarket today and looked at him really quickly then put my head down and was thinking that I hope that he didn't see me looking at him. I had a crush on a boy in grade school. One time he told me not to stare at him anymore. It's crazy that this is still in my head but I can't help it. Yes, I do go to therapy to work on my issues.

I feel so embarrased that I have dirty thoughts and dreams and wish that I could kill that side of me and just be neutral about guys. I call that part of me my bad side. She often wishes that she could have a boyfriend and I try to convince her that I don't need one of those. My head hurts sometimes from trying to defeat that part of me. I must sound like a very strange girl.


Amy said...

You don't sound like a strange girl, in fact you sound alot like me before I got married. Now I'm separated and I look back at my single life and kind of wish I stayed that way. The key that I'm learning about now is to not take life too seriously, have some fun and things do happen when you least expect it. And you can't expect guys to treat you right until you treat yourself right first.

They sense desperation, neediness and low self esteem. The more confident you are and see good things about yourself the more you'll find better guys and maybe Mr right.

LaraAnn said...

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.I have alot of work to do in the self esteem department. I guess that I won't give up hope on finding the right guy.

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