Friday, May 20, 2011

Too much tension/My Anorexia

My brain is being blocked from focusing on doing things on the computer these days by the tension that my brother has been putting mom and I through. There have been 2 of his very angry verbal assaults over the past 5 or 6 weeks, the most recent 3 days ago. Both of them started out with me using his computer and how much he hates this but of course led to other topics that he put me down about. The were very scary episodes - it was like a demon was attacking me. He accused me of being the one that has a whole bunch of mental problems when it is him who has some serious issues like taking out his anger and frustrations out on me which gets worse whenever I try to stand up for myself which was what I was trying to do these 2 times.

I have not been dealing with all this stress that well. I have been buying alot of stuff like jewelry on ebay and beanie babies from an online site to try to make me feel better which works for a little while but then I get depressed about using money that I should be saving for important stuff like new eyeglasses. I'm probably being repetitive about things in this post but that's the way it is around here - like a bad episode of a show that you don't even like but are being forced to watch. I have to live in this nightmare because of financial reasons and having to take care of my mom who has alot of health issues.

I have to admit something else that I've been doing which is not good but I can't seem to stop now that I've started. I have returned to my eating disorder that I had battled with a few times in the 1990s. I am not as bad with the restricting of the calories like I was back then though and part of me actually wishes that I had the same willpower. I think that I have cut only a few hundred calories a day so the weight loss has been pretty slow. I have this debate going on in my head - I want to stop doing this so that I don't get so sick that I will miss out on going to the US Open in a few months but part of me doesn't even seem to care about that and even wishes that I would somehow get so bad that I die just so that I could get away from my brother since there is no other way to escape that creep.

I hear his voice putting me down in my head even when he isn't here. He is constantly criticizing me about every little thing and actually has the nerve to say that I am the one that is stressing him out. I treat him pretty damn well despite him treating me like shit. He has no respect for me or appreciate what I do around here. I pay the bills , cook dinner and drive him and mom places since neither of them are able to drive. This means nothing to him - all that he does is far more significant. He is a self centered jerk. He is always complaining, teasing me and saying inappropriate things. He seems to enjoy upsetting us. His latest thing is to say that we are lazy and can't understand why we enjoy watching tv and reading, saying how boring that is. We are supposed to agree with his opinions too and whenever we express ours he says that this is stupid or crazy.

He leaves the lids on the jar of mayo and laundry detergent so tightly that mom and I can't get them off then laughs at us and calls us weak. If we are happy about something he puts us down and questions how can we be happy about that. He wants us to be just as miserable as he is. Why is he allowed to be happy about his Mirza winning a tennis match but when I'm excited about Fish winning he says it's only tennis and why are you getting all happy about that. I am afraid to even talk around him anymore because he finds a way to put me down about it.

He accuses me of sounding like I'm yelling at him when I'm just talking normally. He called me a big baby when I was nearly in tears during his recent verbal assault. Then he was mad at mom for taking my side saying that she always does this and that I always get my way. Most of the time mom is too scared to stand by my side and help me in these battles and alot of the time afterwards she pops her migraine and/or anxitey pills to escape this intolerable behaviour of his.

I do go to therapy and vent out my issues which helps a little. I am afraid to tell her that I've returned to some of my anorexic ways though. It's not good that most nights I pray that God will just let me die in my sleep because I can't take the hell that he is putting me through. This and other stresses like mom and money worrries are making me feel like I am suffocating. I feel as if I have very little strength left and could easily fall apart. I haven't even felt like coming to this site lately because I just don't even have the energy to write a post and read posts. I have lots of photos and ideas for posts but just can't think straight to do anything about it.

I've gone on and on this and could probably type much more just about all the mean things that my brother does and says. I have covered some of this in previous posts like how he hates us watching our Food Network shows. As if we are commiting a crime for watching Paula Deen. He is such an awful human being. Even when we go grocery shopping he puts me down for buying 2 heads of lettuce but he is allowed to get his pudding cake which he definitely doesn't need because he should be losing some weight. He is always making awful comments about overweight women and doesn't care that this offends me and I'm sure mom too - she used to be very overweight before the gastric bypass surgery in 1979. I have a fear of getting fat which is part of why I have eating disorder issues.

I will stop this depressing post now even though part of me wants to continue and mention his other bad behaviours like the constant teasing about guys and how much of a control freak that he is. It's almost lunchtime now - I know that I should probably put a piece of cheese on my sandwich like I used to but the anorexic in me is too strong and won't let me. It needs to be in control since I feel so out of control about practically everything else in my life.


Chelly said...

Lara, this post broke my heart. I have tears in my eyes. You don't deserve to suffer so. You are too lovely a human being and you deserve respect - from others and from yourself. Please tell your therapist what is happening, especially with regards to your anorexia (which I am so sorry to hear about).

I've found that when someone bullies you and antagonizes you, that the best thing to do is keep going: ignore their put downs but assert yourself and live life the way you want to. There's something about how you live life that threatens this person.

Denying yourself food won't address what's really bothering you. Your therapist can help you. You deserve such happiness. In fact you inspire happiness. I'm always happy and refreshed when I come to your site. And that's because of your heart, creativity and mind.

Don't give up sweetie. We all want you here. Take a deep breath and get the help you deserve and things will get better.

lots of love,

LaraAnn said...

Your kind words really helped to make me feel better about myself today. It meant alot to me that you took the time out to read my way too long post. Sorry that I made you get so emotional. Having your support and knowing that I'm not alone will make me try to be stronger in this battle against my mean brother. It will be hard to admit to my therapist that I've relapsed but you are right about me having to do this. It is rather ridiculous to deprive myself of food because of that jerk. I am so glad that my posts make you happy and I promise that I'll get back into positive mode for the next one. I definitely always look forward to your posts too - it's nice having someone who has such a fondness for childhood memories like I do in my life now.

I will take your advice and try to ignore my monster of a brother. I'll replace his negative words in my mind with your nice, inspirational ones to get me through the tough times. I hope that you have a wonderful weekend

love, Lara

Pam@GoRetro said...

I'm echoing Chelly's comments - so sorry to hear that you're dealing with all of this. I really hope things get better soon and that your therapist can help.

LaraAnn said...

Pam- I truly appreciate all of your support which gives me the courage to want to get through these difficult times. I am a bit afraid to admit the eating disorder issue to my therapist though. I get such joy out of coming here and reading posts and doing mine even though my brother aka Mr Negativity calls it a waste of time.

Chelly said...

Thanks for your kind words. You sound a bit better! Yay :) Everything takes time but remember we're here for you. And some days, if you're down that's okay too - just remember it will pass and you'll be back on your feet in no time. So happy that you have a therapist to talk to. They really are a great source of comfort/help. You can email or tweet me any time you need a friend. Have a lovely weekend Lara!

Darrin.. said...

I know when I write sometimes.. it's very therapeutic. Whatever happens, try to keep busy and do whatever it takes to de-stress. I would say to try and change your surroundings, or get away from what's making you unhappy, but I also realize that we can't always change these things as fast or as easily as we may like.

My thoughts are with you. Just make sure to take care of yourself. Cheers!

LaraAnn said...

Darrin - I really appreciate having your support and understanding during my stressful situation. I am trying my best not to let it all get to me. I do write in my journal often despite being criticized by my brother for doing so. You are right about how I should try to get away for a while. I just have to work on some anxiety issues so I won't be afraid to get out there and be in more positive surroundings sometimes.

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