Turtleback Zoo - 1974

I wish that I could remember my day at the zoo - looks like I was having fun there. My brother was just at the Turtleback Zoo earlier this month. I was only there this one time but really would like to go back there sometime soon. It is much bigger now and they have one of my favourite animals, a river otter. I sent my brother's photos to the Walgreens site and got copies of the 3 otter pictures plus 38 others for myself. I hope to get over my driving anxiety so that I won't be afraid to take the Parkway to get to the zoo. There is also a zoo in Brooklyn that has a river otter that I was thinking about going to instead because I can just take the NJ Transit train into NYC and then get on the subway that would take me there. I'll see which I'm up to doing this summer. I'm torn on my views of zoos though - sometimes I think that it's awful that animals are stuck in such a place but I do like watching the animals there. I've been to the Bronx Zoo and the National Zoo in Washington D.C. also.

Hollywood Trading Cards

I got these cards at a trading card/collectibles show at a mall in the early 90's. My brother has some too. I also have a few more with some music stars like the Bee Gees. At the time I was into collecting this sort of thing. Now I'm not even wanting most of the ones that I have like the X-Files seasons 1-3 and Topps Widevision the Star Wars Trilogy. If I decide to sell stuff on ebay I'd definitely see if anyone would be interested in those but I would keep these.

Senior Prom 1987

As with my junior prom, I was set up with my date by another friend of the family/mom's coworker. This time it was with her son. The prom song was Bon Jovi - Never Say Goodbye. I remember having a miserable time at this event and being glad when I got home. I still have the hair accessory and gloves from it. I gave the big earrings to my cousin. Mom took some pictures of us by the house too but I didn't feel like scanning those.

Too much tension/My Anorexia

My brain is being blocked from focusing on doing things on the computer these days by the tension that my brother has been putting mom and I through. There have been 2 of his very angry verbal assaults over the past 5 or 6 weeks, the most recent 3 days ago. Both of them started out with me using his computer and how much he hates this but of course led to other topics that he put me down about. The were very scary episodes - it was like a demon was attacking me. He accused me of being the one that has a whole bunch of mental problems when it is him who has some serious issues like taking out his anger and frustrations out on me which gets worse whenever I try to stand up for myself which was what I was trying to do these 2 times.

I have not been dealing with all this stress that well. I have been buying alot of stuff like jewelry on ebay and beanie babies from an online site to try to make me feel better which works for a little while but then I get depressed about using money that I should be saving for important stuff like new eyeglasses. I'm probably being repetitive about things in this post but that's the way it is around here - like a bad episode of a show that you don't even like but are being forced to watch. I have to live in this nightmare because of financial reasons and having to take care of my mom who has alot of health issues.

I have to admit something else that I've been doing which is not good but I can't seem to stop now that I've started. I have returned to my eating disorder that I had battled with a few times in the 1990s. I am not as bad with the restricting of the calories like I was back then though and part of me actually wishes that I had the same willpower. I think that I have cut only a few hundred calories a day so the weight loss has been pretty slow. I have this debate going on in my head - I want to stop doing this so that I don't get so sick that I will miss out on going to the US Open in a few months but part of me doesn't even seem to care about that and even wishes that I would somehow get so bad that I die just so that I could get away from my brother since there is no other way to escape that creep.

I hear his voice putting me down in my head even when he isn't here. He is constantly criticizing me about every little thing and actually has the nerve to say that I am the one that is stressing him out. I treat him pretty damn well despite him treating me like shit. He has no respect for me or appreciate what I do around here. I pay the bills , cook dinner and drive him and mom places since neither of them are able to drive. This means nothing to him - all that he does is far more significant. He is a self centered jerk. He is always complaining, teasing me and saying inappropriate things. He seems to enjoy upsetting us. His latest thing is to say that we are lazy and can't understand why we enjoy watching tv and reading, saying how boring that is. We are supposed to agree with his opinions too and whenever we express ours he says that this is stupid or crazy.

He leaves the lids on the jar of mayo and laundry detergent so tightly that mom and I can't get them off then laughs at us and calls us weak. If we are happy about something he puts us down and questions how can we be happy about that. He wants us to be just as miserable as he is. Why is he allowed to be happy about his Mirza winning a tennis match but when I'm excited about Fish winning he says it's only tennis and why are you getting all happy about that. I am afraid to even talk around him anymore because he finds a way to put me down about it.

He accuses me of sounding like I'm yelling at him when I'm just talking normally. He called me a big baby when I was nearly in tears during his recent verbal assault. Then he was mad at mom for taking my side saying that she always does this and that I always get my way. Most of the time mom is too scared to stand by my side and help me in these battles and alot of the time afterwards she pops her migraine and/or anxitey pills to escape this intolerable behaviour of his.

I do go to therapy and vent out my issues which helps a little. I am afraid to tell her that I've returned to some of my anorexic ways though. It's not good that most nights I pray that God will just let me die in my sleep because I can't take the hell that he is putting me through. This and other stresses like mom and money worrries are making me feel like I am suffocating. I feel as if I have very little strength left and could easily fall apart. I haven't even felt like coming to this site lately because I just don't even have the energy to write a post and read posts. I have lots of photos and ideas for posts but just can't think straight to do anything about it.

I've gone on and on this and could probably type much more just about all the mean things that my brother does and says. I have covered some of this in previous posts like how he hates us watching our Food Network shows. As if we are commiting a crime for watching Paula Deen. He is such an awful human being. Even when we go grocery shopping he puts me down for buying 2 heads of lettuce but he is allowed to get his pudding cake which he definitely doesn't need because he should be losing some weight. He is always making awful comments about overweight women and doesn't care that this offends me and I'm sure mom too - she used to be very overweight before the gastric bypass surgery in 1979. I have a fear of getting fat which is part of why I have eating disorder issues.

I will stop this depressing post now even though part of me wants to continue and mention his other bad behaviours like the constant teasing about guys and how much of a control freak that he is. It's almost lunchtime now - I know that I should probably put a piece of cheese on my sandwich like I used to but the anorexic in me is too strong and won't let me. It needs to be in control since I feel so out of control about practically everything else in my life.

Made In the USA

I couldn't believe it when I actually found a made in the USA label on one of my sweaters. I was happy to see this, not much seems to be made over here anymore and I don't think that I have that many things that are presently. Ever since I watched that series on the World News on ABC I have been looking even more to find anything that I have that is made in America. I do have a bundt pan but I'm not sure if it is a Nordicware one which is an American brand. I'll have to get it out of the storage tote in the basement. It's been many years since I've used it.

A Funny Book

I first saw this book at the Virgin Megastore in NYC back in November of 2007 about 2 hours before a concert of a group that is actually in it - Duran Duran. I was thinking that I can't believe that I'd actually be seeing them in person soon but also wishing that I had been into them in the 80's and could see them as they looked in the picture. I thought about buying this but passed on it. I was there a few months later but the book was not. It was about a year after this that I was looking at books on Amazon and found and ordered it. I can't help but laugh a little about these male idols of the 70's and 80's. Tom Selleck was definitely one of my crushes in the 80's. Who were some of yours? I included a picture of the back of this book because it has a list of some of the stars in it and I just had to include that goofy photo of Hasselhoff in this post.

My Screw Ups 2

Either mom or my Aunt Al got me this magnet in the early 80's. I have had it in my keepsake tote since the early 90's and a few months ago I decided to take it out to photograph it only when I was putting it back in the plastic bag I wound up tearing off the ear and part of the hat. If it had been in a bigger ziploc bag this might not have happened. I was very upset about this and wished that I had just kept it in the bag like I originally planned on even though the photo wouldn't have been as good. I was trying to be very careful but of course things always seem to go wrong for me anyhow. I used scotch tape to try to repair the damage but didn't line the pieces up right so it doesn't look that great. The material is like a thin styrofoam so I can't redo this without further messing it up. Maybe I should've tried repairing it a different way, I'm not sure how though. I know, what's done is done but I still am sad that this cute magnet that I've had for so many years got ruined. Also in the top before picture is the 2 punch embroidery projects that I did in the late 80's.

Germany 1989 - Bavaria

My friend Ricky and I took the train from near her house in Cuxhaven which is all the way up north down to visit the Castle Neuschwanstein in the Bavaria region of Germany. We went with some friends of hers. I didn't take that many pictures and the ones that I did take aren't that great - none closer up. I have the souvenier book and the postcard though. I bought mom the plate in the top picture which she has in the living room. I remember getting off of the train in a major city for about 10 minutes to look around - it might've been Hamburg. Ricky's parents gave me a big poster of this castle which is the one that Walt Disney based his Cinderella Castle on.

Kindergarten Graduation - 1975

I don't remember my kindergarten graduation, actually, but I do still have these pictures and my diploma in my scrapbooks and the white tassle. I only have a couple of vivid memories from kindergarten. One was that we had show and tell day sometimes and also that we made Christmas ornaments - I still have mine. I wanted to play with a doll one day but Michelle wouldn't let me which was upsetting. Today I received a letter from my grade school looking for donations. I can't afford to be giving them anything. They are also having a get together in October for the 60th anniversary of St. John's School. I'm not into reunions so I won't be going. I must say that I do have better memories of this school than I do of high school. Some of my dreams take place there, like concerts of Duran Duran in the school gym/ auditorium.

Scrabble

My Mom, brother and I used to like playing this game. I'm not really sure when she got this - maybe the late 1950s. She had some other old games that we enjoyed playing too but no longer have. Our cousins borrowed Clue and never returned it before moving to Florida. I tried finding the 2nd tote full of games that had her Parchessi and Monopoly in it but was upset that it's not there. It had been 5 years ago - where could it have gone? The only thing that I can think of is that my brother sold some of our games at the flea market. Mom seemed suprised that we no longer have these so she obviously didn't give him permission to do so. An aunt got us the travel edition of Scrabble in the early 1980s. That must've been in the same tote. I'm kind of mad at him for doing this if that's what really happened. I had my Star Wars Trivial Pursuit and Monopoly in that one too.

Junior Prom 1986

I can't believe that it has been 25 years since my Junior prom, not that I really enjoyed myself at this event. I was set up for it with a friend of our family friend and I think that the only reason that he was going was because one of his friends had also been set up with a guy in my class. They were both seniors. We are all in the picture outside of my apartment. The prom theme song was Phil Collins' One More Night. I don't really remember much about the night only that I was glad when it was over and wished that I hadn't even gone. Boy does my hair look ridiculously high. My brother and others said that my date looked like Duckie from Pretty In Pink. I wonder if my aunt still has that Jessica McClintock Gunne Sax southern belle type dress in her attic - probably not, I think that she had been planning on giving this and other stuff to the thrift shop years ago. I do still have the gloves, shawl and jewelry though.

My Jewelry Addiction

I have way too much jewelry - alot of it was bought within a 5 year period in the 2000s. I would go to Kohl's, JC Penney's, Macy's, Target and also order from Avon many times when I was feeling depressed and use shopping for jewelry as my therapy but then usually not long afterwards I was feeling upset about not being able to control myself and spending so much money on mostly fashion but also some sterling silver jewelry. I have been a good girl the past few years though. I have fallen back into my old bad habits these last 2 days and have been getting some necklaces off of ebay and one from the Kohl's site. There are a few more that I want but should try to stop myself from getting especially because I am trying to save for US Open tickets.

The set on the left in the picture is actually from my junior prom - 1986. The one on the right is 1928 which is my favourite brand. My friend Suzy got me the earrings in the mid 80's and about 20 years later I found this necklace that goes nicely with them. Other brands that I like are Trifari, Napier, Liz Clairborne, Crazy Horse, Axcess, Avon, Monet, Nine West and a few others that I can't remember at the moment. Now 1928 is 2028 at some stores like Macy's which is odd because it is retro type jewelry and that name doesn't go with that. I took alot of pictures of my jewelry and will be sharing them here in the future.