Monday, March 21, 2011

Drowning From the Stress

I have taken so many pictures lately, some of which I have already added to the computer and more still on another memory card so I have plenty of topics that I would like to write about but today I'm just feeling too blue to even do so. According to my brother, what I am doing here is a waste of time and stupid. His frequent put downs are really getting to me and standing up for myself just makes things worse. I'm the bitch and crazy one in his eyes. I have to live with this rude, self centered person for
financial reasons plus my mom is here and I have to look after her because her health is bad. I try to do things that I enjoy like coming to this site and reading my favourite blogs and doing my posts but I have to do this when he isn't around because it is
his computer and he seems to hate when I use it. Oh, but I have to be his chauffeur because he is unable to drive. I don't even
care if he sees this. Not that he would. I have it as a link on my Facebook page but it is doubtful that he ever comes here. What's the worst that he could do if he reads this, give me even more verbal abuse?

He is the center of the universe and we must pay attention to him. It doesn't matter if he interrupts mom or I when we are reading or watching something on TV, for what he has to say is far more important. Whatever we read or watch is stupid to him. We should be reading history and educational books, not mysteries. Everytime we put the TV on especially the Food Network he has to say "oh, not the tv again - you always have that on." or something like that. He is allowed to enjoy his sports on it though. And if we interrupt him during anything he has a fit and yells at us yet he can't see how rude he is being towards us.

He wants everything his way. He is worse than a spoiled little boy. Our way is dumb and wrong. His way is right. If I want to keep 2 granola bars in a box that I paid for then I am allowed too but he likes to take things out of boxes and bags at certain points so he will just go into our stuff and do the same. You can not reason with this guy. It is totally futile. We have tried family therapy in the
past and that did not work at all. He thought we were all ganging up on him. I have pictured punching him and worse many times
when he upsets me. I don't even care anymore if God sends me to hell for these mean thoughts. I sort of feel like I'm already there anyway.

I think of my brother as Markzilla or Darth Mark sometimes. He is like the evil character in a movie. I don't even think that there is any hope that he will ever see that he is hurting us so much. When we tell him how upset he makes us sometimes he just accuses us of over reacting. My guy friend is tired of hearing about all the terrible things that Mark does. I try not to complain that much and be positive around him, but obviously living with someone who mentally abuses me like this does take it's toll on me and there are times when I can't help feeling so depressed. Yes, I do go to therapy and this venting to my therapist does help a little, but having to deal with this constant stress makes me feel so fragile, as if I will break soon. I have tried to be strong but there is only so much that one person can take before he or she comes undone. I just pray that I won't have a breakdown.

I could go on and on about all the horrible things that he does and says to make my life so stressful but I'll stop now because even
just thinking about this is making me sick to my stomach, plus it's lunchtime and I want to try to enjoy my meal. Tomorrow I will return to my usual upbeat posts. Sorry to be such a downer today.


Pam@GoRetro said...

Hi Lara Ann,

I'm so sorry to hear that you have to be dealing with this. My brother sounds like your brother; fortunately, I don't have to live with him. I hope you know by now that there's nothing stupid about blogging - you've got a lot of people here that support you, and that's his problem if he doesn't get it. I hope you can eventually find a better living arrangement or perhaps buy your own computer.

LaraAnn said...

Pam- thank you so much for your understanding and support - it really means alot to me. I wish that our brothers could treat us with respect. I don't get why they have to be so mean. This blog site truly has helped me on days when I've felt really sad. Maybe once I get my car paid off in a few months I will indeed start saving for a computer.

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