Thursday, March 18, 2010

My first new car

I didn't get my first new car until 2005 when I was 35 years old. Before that I had a Chevy Cavalier- 1990 or 1991- that I bought off of a friend of the family in 1998. About a week before the Mellencamp concert, she died on me. Our mechanic said that it wasn't worth fixing. His mom recommended a Hyundai dealership which I was going to go to but a friend of the family suggested a Kia one so he took me there. I had rented a car for the concert which was a Kia Spectra and thought that it wasn't bad. I needed the car that day, but I didn't have my own insurance policy; I was still under my mother's- kind of pathetic. So the primary name on the title is hers. She no longer drives and hasn't since about 2001. I had to take out a bank loan which I've never done before, nor had I rented a car either. It felt nice to finally have a new car. I didn't realize that there is no cassette player in it until I tried putting my Genesis tape in it after the Duran Duran concert 2 weeks later. The stereo did need to be fixed a month later though.

I had it for 3 years before I did something really stupid that caused damage to it and I will never forgive myself for this and am still upset about it. I am a very careful driver. I've only ever had one minor accident and it wasn't entirely my fault. I was coming home from Walgreens with mom. The recycle truck was near our house. My gut instinct said to back up and pull over to a spot temporarily until it passed but unfortunately my brain has been doing alot of stupid things over the past 7 years . I asked my mom if she thought that there was enough room for me to pass that truck and she said sure. I was doubting her but my brain felt overwhelmed and confused and I couldn't trust myself to make the right decision so I went with hers which turned out to be a major mistake and now there is a big dent in the passenger side door that I can't afford to fix. I was semi- freaking out. Afterwards I ran up to my room and was crying for 40 minutes. I couldn't even watch the women's Final of Wimbledon, I was too upset and angry with myself. I ruined a nice car, my first and probably only ever new one. I banged my fists on the floor and put myself down alot, but managed to calm down by listening to my Duran Duran tape. Everytime I hear the recycle truck I have flashbacks of that day.

I seem to be more upset about it lately than I was for a while, not sure why. I still have a year to go before the loan is even paid off. I'd like to get it put entirely in my name afterwards. I just worry everyday that I'll get into an accident- I do have an anxiety problem and driving is definitely part of this. I don't see how I could ever forgive myself for this and let it go.

A couple of times in the past year we've had heavy rains and wind and I noticed that the floor in the back of the driver's side was wet. Part of me is thinking that maybe I should take her to a mechanic but another part of me is saying that it's not a major problem which my mom agrees with. It's so ridiculous that I can't even trust my judgement and get so confused. I did kind of blame my mother for the car screw-up incident which I feel guilty about. I shouldn't have listened to her and went with my smart side but it's like there's some sort of defect in which that part of me gets over-ruled by the illogical side that thinks that it is right- No I don't hear voices or have a split personality or anything like that. I used to have such a nice car.

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