Federer Day

I thought that my brother was joking when he said that Federer lost yesterday because he's always teasing me about him but he wasn't. That's a shame. In the past I probably would've been more upset about this but I'm not sure why I don't care as much anymore. Maybe it's because I like alot more players than I used to or perhaps part of me is thinking "well, he's won enough already, let the other guys have a chance." Another part of me is thinking that that is so mean. I was actually happy when Baghdatis beat him- was that last week or the week before? I like both players. I sometimes get conflicted in this situation but this time I was rooting for him.

It seems kind of unreal that I actually saw Federer in person last August. There was a charity event in New York City. My brother told me about it. Even though he teases me about him he also has him on his Facebook - it used to be on fan pages but now they have it in my friend section. I debated whether or not to go to this event. It was sort of a last minute decision. My brother came with me.

We got into the city very early. I forget exactly where this was - somewhere downtown, maybe not far from a park. Was it Madison Hill park or something like that? I have such a craptastic memory. We saw them setting up the temporary tennis court from across the street. I wanted to go over there shortly afterwards but was too afraid and also too embarrased to do so. We were people and doggie watching. We saw a lady talking to a guy with an adorable Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and were listening to them talk then were talking to her. I finally got up enough nerve to cross the street where we talked to a security guy for a bit then we walked around the block.

We got on the line when we returned. It wasn't overly long but we would've been about the 3rd and 4th persons in it had we not been sitting across the street for like 50 minutes. This would've guaranteed us spots on the bleachers. We wound up standing behind the camera people so we had a semi-blocked view. I was putting myself down mentally and telling my brother what an idiot I was.

We did meet some nice people there, although the one was talking alot and I really should not have responded to her when Federer was talking- I missed out on much of what he was saying. He did mention his twin baby girls, of course. John McEnroe was also there. I blew a chance to have a close up picture of him because I hit the on/off button on my camera by accident. The guy next to me and I were joking about this. No great loss- he's not much to look at or something like that. I got some really crappy shots of Federer. Only one or two okay ones when he was closer to us at the end.

Another girl asked me if I was going to the US Open and told me that she had tickets for the second week. I told her that we couldn't afford to go. I didn't mention that I was also to afraid to do so. I really wanted to be there in 2007 and 2008 but fear kept me from going as did my going into credit card debt for too many unecessary items. Part of me was thinking that after seeing Federer here that I really wanted to try to get over this fear. I did have some money saved but this was supposed to be for the eye doctor and new glasses. I was thinking well maybe I'd put that off for a while longer. I debated over what to do that afternoon.

We could've stayed to see more tennis stars, Monfils and Nadal, but we were tired and also hungry so we went to a cafe type place for lunch then back to Penn Station. When we watched the news that evening they didn't show that event on it but did show a tennis one that had taken place in Bryant Park. We didn't even know about that but might have if we went to the bakery near there like I originally planned on doing. Maybe we would have seen signs or noticed alot of people and asked what was going on there. Whatever - it just wasn't meant to be, I suppose.

That night I went to the Ticketmaster site to check the price of the grounds pass and it was less than I thought it would be. I asked Mark if he was interested in going and he said yes so I ordered us tickets for Day 1 and Day 2. I'd never ordered them on line before. I did the print out ones and got annoyed because the printer was giving us problems then was relieved when it finally worked.

I was both excited and nervous about finally getting to go to the US Open which was only less than 5 days away. I went to the site the night before and wrote down the schedule of play for the players that we were interested in. I was embarrased to be especially happy about going to the Haas match. I already had all the info about what trains to take - I had written that down 2 years earlier. I tried not to beat myself up about being too scared to go there then. I couldn't wait to be in Queens for this event. If we hadn't gone to see Federer would I have even contemplated going there? Possibly not. It's as if seeing him and also hearing that girl talking about going inspired me to become brave. That sounds kind of cheesy, doesn't it. More on this to come...

Toys and Games

I was looking at the Care Bears in Target one day last year and thinking that they don't look as well made as the ones that I had when I was a kid. I think that's true about alot of products. My brother's Matchbox and Tonka trucks were heavier and sturdier back then. I used to like playing with them too. It's a shame that they don't make things like they used to.

I do still have some of my childhood toys- the Viewmaster, my Barbies, Wonder Woman, dolls like one that I named Teresa after a family friend and a few stuffed animals. I really regret getting rid of alot of those. I always prefered playing with the animals. I was going through a purging of my possesions phase in the late 80s. I have Poochie bear, Cinnamon Koala and Seamore Otter but not their friends Peter and Cottontail Bunny. I even wrote a few short stories about them when I was 12 years old. I looked at these a few years ago- pretty bad stuff.

Mom would get my brother and I a game every Christmas. We still have many of them. Battleship, Connect Four, Hangman and Trivial Pursuit. We don't have Trouble and Double Trouble anymore. We played with a few of my mother's games too- Monopoly, Clue, Parcheesi and Scrabble. She had to buy us a new Clue in the early 90's because we lent her's to our younger cousins and they never gave it back before they moved. I was jealous of cousin Mary because she had Don't Spill the Beans. We also had Toss Across and Pokeno. I should look in the game tote to see what else we still have.

We were also jealous of Mary because she had alot of Star Wars action figures and the Darth Vader's head case to store them in. Mark only had a few of them, 3 Battlestar Galactica and 3 or 4 Star Trek(the movie) figures. He did have GI Joe, The Lone Ranger, Tonto and The Six Million Dollar Man. He had these heavy cowboy type figures that a friend of the family gave him. One day he was swinging one around and it hit me in the face knocking out one of my baby teeth.

We liked our Play-doh, Etch-a-Sketch, box of 64 Crayola crayons, Silly Putty and blowing bubbles. Couln't help being jealous of Jenny who had Lite Brite. A classmate gave me the Magic 8 Ball as a birthday gift. Mary had that game Simon- I wasn't that good at it. We had the Fisher Price airport, house and barn. I had The Family Tree House. I used to put the little people on my Dad's train that was under the Christmas tree. We loved that train- it made noises and steam came out of it too. They would visit the baby Jesus at our manger scene also.

We were so excited when our parents got us the Atari system in 1982. Our favourite games were the Acti-Vision ones- Barnstorming, Pitfall, Dolphin, Freeway and Stampede. Mark liked Asteriods. I liked Pac Man and Ms. Pac Man. Donkey Kong was cool too. Mary had Atlantis and Mark enjoyed playing that when we visited her. I wasn't ever that good at video games. Mark had the hand held Space Invaders game. He had a football one too- I think it was ColecoVision or something like that. I'm pretty sure we had the Frogger cartidge too.

More TV

My brother was talking about Battlestar Galactica yesterday, not the new one but the cheesy one from the 70s. I did used to watch this and Buck Rogers with him back then. He likes the former more. We liked watching Star Trek together too- he was more into it than I was. I remember when it was on at 6:00 on Saturdays and we would watch this after Mission Impossible at 5:00.

We would watch some of the old shows with our parents. The Beverly Hillbillies, The Andy Griffith Show, Leave It to Beaver, The Munsters and The Honeymooners. Sometimes we'd watch the Addams Family but I always liked The Munsters more. Now I'm not really into any of these classic shows.

Why did we ever watch Gilligan's Island- Gilligan is so annoying. We liked The Brady Bunch then, don't know if I'd want to watch it now though. Definitely wouldn't watch Three's Company or The Facts of Life. I guess at the time we were into that sort of show. We did watch Little House on the Prarie but I liked the books much better.

Mom used to tell people a story about me that really embarrased me. She said that when I was a little girl that sometimes I used to dance around during the opening of I Dream of Jeannie trying to imitate how the cartoon image of her did so. We watched Bewitched also but I always liked the former better. I really did not care for Darren #2 and Tabitha.

Dad, Mark and I used to watch wrestling in the 80s. I remember many of the wrestlers- The Iron Sheik, Sgt. Slaughter, Jessie "The Body" Ventura, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, Hillbilly Jim, George "The Animal" Steel, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Andre The Giant and more. Captain Lou the manager just died last year. I can't believe that I used to be into this. Dad even had a record with the stars of wrestling singing. I remember Hillbilly Jim doing Don't Go Messin' With a Country Boy.

We liked Happy Days but mostly just the first couple of years before it became mainly The Fonzie show. A relative got me a necklace with him on the charm. My grade school classmate said that she liked it. I still have the charm but not the chain.

I love Hanna Barbera cartoons, especially Scooby Doo. Other favourites- Snagglepuss, Huckleberry Hound, Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo, Hong Kong Phooey, Ricochet Rabbit, Auggie Doggie and Dastardly and Muttley. We watched The Jetsons and The Flinstones but didn't care for them as much. Same with Tom and Jerry. Jonny Quest was good too. We weren't as into Bugs and the Warner Brothers cartoons. Loved The Pink Panther, Spiderman and Friends, The Incredible Hulk, Godzilla (with Godzuki), The Superfriends and the Hall of Justice and The Fantastic Four as well

In the 80's we did watch The Smurfs. I'm kind of embarrased to admit that. Sometimes I wished that Gargamel would capture them though which is pretty mean. I liked the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon. We watched Inspector Gadget and He-Man also. I think there were a couple of others but I can't remember them right now.

Were The Blue Falcon and Space Ghost Hanna Barbera? Probably. We did watch Rocky and Bullwinkle sometimes but I don't remember much about that. I did have a sweatshirt with them on it when I was a little girl. Nowadays I do have T-Shirts with Scooby Doo and the Pink Panther on them. I don't care that Stacey and Clinton on What Not to Wear say that this is childish and you shouldn't be wearing such shirts.

I think that I forgot to mention The Family Feud on my list of favourite game shows yesterday. A friend of ours had that board game and we'd play it sometimes. Now I'm thinking about the toys and games that I had in my childhood. I still have some of them but not many. That's a topic for another day, however. I've said enough for today.

70's and 80's TV

My memories of most things from the 70s and 80s are much more clear than those from the past 2 decades- the 90s are particularly hazy. It's kind of strange that I remember the TV schedule of the shows that I watched in the 80s.

- Monday- Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Newhart, Designing Women.
- Tuesday- The A Team, Riptide, Remington Steele.
- Wednesday- The Fall Guy, Dynasty
- Thursday- Magnum P. I., Simon and Simon, Knots Landing.
- Friday- The Dukes of Hazzard, Knight Rider.
- Saturday- The Love Boat, Fantasy Island.

I know that a few of those shows were also on in the late 70s- The Dukes and the 2 Saturday ones. My brother liked The Incredible Hulk which was also on Fridays but I can't remember if it was before or after The Dukes on CBS. I watched it with him. He liked some of my shows such as Magnum. I only watched Dynasty and Knots Landing for a few years.

There were also some shows that nowadays I think to myself "Why did we ever watch that?" Not to put anyone who likes them down, I'm just saying that I don't really get why I was into them. I'm sure that some people would say this about some of my shows. These include Growing Pains, Who's The Boss, Mr Belvedere and Family Ties.

I'm pretty sure that Matt Houston was on Fridays as well. It seems like I watched alot of TV back then. I did still get good grades in school despite this. I was an avid reader also. I didn't really belong to any clubs or have much of a social life though.

Favourite 70s shows- Emergency!, Sanford and Son, All in the Family, M*A*S*H, The Rockford Files, Quincy, Columbo and The Jeffersons. I know that some of these also went into the 80s. There's others but I can't think straight now- kind of tired. I no longer like M*A*S*H though. My brother has been watching the DVDs lately and I go to my room to get away from it. My 8th grade dance theme was that show.

We loved watching game shows also. The Price Is Right, Hollywood Squares, Password, Password Plus, Super Password, all versions of The Pyramid, Sale of the Century, The Joker's Wild, Tic Tac Dough, Name That Tune, Card Sharks, High Rollers, Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, Scrabble, Press Your Luck and To Tell The Truth.

Our cable company used to give us The Game Show Network in our package but now you have to pay extra for this. It was funny watching the old The Price Is Right episodes sometimes. My Grandma took a trip to California in 1978 to visit her nephew and was in the audience of that show which I thought was so cool. We didn't see her on it though.

I'm not overly nostalgic about the shows that we used to watch. I'm liking the shows that I watch now. I'm not stuck in a time warp like my Dad seems to be. He likes mostly the stuff from the 50s and 60s. I think that he does watch The Simpsons sometimes which seems kind of odd. He likes the old Superman. I like Smallville. My brother and I crack up because he likes Lawrence Welk- no offense to fans of that show.

My Brave Spaniel

Our Buffy gave me quite a scare yesterday. She usually comes into the dining room when we are eating but when she didn't jump off of the couch to join us, I went into the living room to check on her. I said her name a few times and even touched her but she didn't respond. I thought that maybe she had died but Mom said that she was still breathing, thank goodness. Mom did manage to wake her and she came out to join us for lunch. We always give her a treat then.

I just worry everytime that we go out that when we come home she will no longer be alive. I'm so happy that she has hung in there for this long. It has already been 8 months since the doctor said that she is dying because of multiple organ problems. She's had many problems throughout her 12 years on this planet, but through it all she has been a very brave girl.

She had surgery to remove a cyst on her ear about 6 years ago. She broke her back leg once. She's had arthritis and allergies for many years. She had pancreatis last year which was very scary. She had to stay at the vet's office for 2 nights and was hooked up to an IV. I just pray that when her final day on this planet comes that she does not suffer and dies in her sleep. I'm praying that we'll have her with us for another few months or more.

I love her so much. She is like my best friend. I'm sure that some people might think that I'm a bit kooky for saying this and for having lots of nicknames for her. Sunshine spaniel, Muffin, Cupcake, Sugar Plum, Miss Piggy, Piglet, Pumpkin and more. Sometimes we joke around and pick on her because she has a super short stub. She has the cutest freckles on her snout.

Mom has made her lots of bandanas. She has her Easter one on now. She has a grooming appointment in 2 weeks and they give her bandanas as well. We don't dress her up or anything like that. She does have a coat that my Aunt Al got for her as a Christmas gift 9 years ago.

I keep thinking about how I should've been a better owner to her. We hardly took her on any walks. She is kind of lazy but we could've taken her on short ones. I only brushed her teeth when she was a puppy. I should've done so all along. Her teeth got pretty bad. The vet suggested that we have them done a few years ago but this is expensive. If I had just saved money instead of buying too much jewelry and clothes for myself I could have afforded this. I finally had it done last year. The vet tech said that heart problems can be caused by bad teeth so maybe this is part of why she has that problem. I mentioned the whole hating myself for not taking her off of the steroids in my Buffy blog. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for all this.

Even though the arthritis in her back legs has gotten much worse, she still goes up the stairs on her own, although sometimes we carry her up there. I always worry that she might fall down the stairs though. She is such a grandma's girl and wants to be with her most of the time. I'm suprised that she is still downstairs with me now. We have been sitting together alot lately. We did this for an hour this morning. Her grandma wasn't even down here then. It felt nice that she wanted to be with me. Ginger was definitely my doggie when I was a kid. I still miss her and always will. Same goes for Mookie and someday Buffy too- hopefully not too soon.

Concerts

I never was really that into going to concerts until 2000 when I saw Bon Jovi for the first time. I did go to a few in 1991, or was it 1992? My brother wanted to see Styx and didn't drive so he offered to buy me a ticket if I took him. I wasn't that into them but I did like some of their songs. Major disppointment to us both that they did not do Mr. Roboto. No Tommy Shaw either. This was at the then Garden State Arts Center. We saw John Denver there a couple of months later and Rod Stewart at the then Brendan Byrne Arena shortly after that. I saw the Oak Ridge Boys at Great Adventure a year later.

I enjoyed that Bon Jovi show in Philly so much that I just had to see them again. My boyfriend took me and we joked about Bad Medicine alot. He tried getting tickets for the Meadowlands but they were sold out. We saw them in Camden about 8 months later. I don't think that he was too pleased when I told him that I got tickets to see them at Giants Stadium for later that week. It was a last minute thing. Part of the reason I did this is because I was mad at myself for not using the binoculars at the Camden show. We got there late and missed a little of the opening act, Sugar Ray. I loved the fireworks at the end. This show was taped for a VH1 special that we watched.

I went with this same boyfriend to see The Monkees at a small club in Delaware and Brian Wilson at the PNC Center. He also got us tickets to see Duran Duran at the latter venue in the summer of 2000. I refer to it as the Simon and Nick show because it wasn't the 5 original members. Embarrased to say that I really wished that John were with them then.

I went to see Mellencamp in 2002. My brother was supposed to go with me but he was in the hospital. My mom came with me so the ticket wouldn't go to waste. She knew nothing about his music but said that she enjoyed the show. My brother did get to see him 3 years later at the same venue - PNC Center. We went to the Hall and Oates concert there a couple of months later. I went to 2 shows there that summer also but I never told him about them- Donna Summer and Duran Duran. Maybe I should've, but I just wanted to go on my own for a change.

We did go to the Def Leppard concert that fall at the Continental Airlines Arena. It was a very rainy day and the weatherguy Bill Evans said don't drive anywhere unless you absolutely have to. He'd probably think we were nuts for doing this. It was really scary. My driving anxiety gets worse when there's bad weather. Bryan Adams also performed at that event.

My brother went with me to see Bon Jovi at the new Prudential Center in Newark in the fall of 2007. Daughtry was the opening act. That was the seventh time that I saw Bon Jovi. My brother thinks that I've seen them 4 times. I was afraid that he'd tease me and say that I'm obsessed with them. He already does this enough. I went on my own to MSG in 2005 and Giants Stadium in 2006. I wish that I could afford to see them at the new Giants Stadium this spring but I'm saving for something else.

I have been to 7 Duran Duran concerts as well, although part of me says 6 because it doesn't officially count the one without John Taylor. That is so mean. I was so excited when I first saw him at the MSG concert almost 5 years ago. Should I be ashamed to admit that? I just had to see them again when they were at PNC a few months later. I went to one of their Broadway shows in 2007 only it turned out to be at Roseland because of the strike. I went to both of the Central Park shows in the spring of 2008 and a week before my birthday in December that same year saw them at the Wellmont Theater.

I'm usually in the nosebleed sections at these events or close to that but for the last three DD shows I was pretty close. It almost felt surreal being there. It was general admission which is why I was able to be in that spot. I wish that I could have gotten that close to Bon Jovi. I do have this crazy afterlife fantasy that your spirit gets to go to any concert or other event in whatever time period you want. I hope that this is true. God is probably laughing at me.

I definitely will be posting more about my Bon Jovi and Duran Duran concert experiences in the future. I've gone on enough about this subject for one day, plus I have some laundry to do now-real exciting.

Ooops- how could I forget about Genesis and Phil Collins? I'm sure that there are some people who would like to forget that they even exist. I had been into Genesis since 1986 and was so glad when I got to see them in 2007 at Giants Stadium with my brother. He went with me to the Phil Collins MSG show too- I think that was 2004.

Top 10 Cute Guy rankings

I was looking through my journal and in the entry from August 30,2009 found that rankings list that I am embarrased that I even came up with. This seems so teenagish! I had a couple of other such lists in another journal- at one time Jon Bon Jovi was #2.

1. James Franco
2. John Taylor
3. Marat Safin
4. Tommy Haas
5. Jensen Ackles
6. David Boreanaz
7. Milo Ventimiglia
8. Jon Bon Jovi
9. Tom Welling
10. Orlando Bloom

I even added a plus 5 to this one, which makes it more ridiculous.
11. Alex O'Loughlin
12.Hugh Jackman
13. Jeffrey Donovan
14.George Eads
15. Justin Hartley

I was thinking about the silly crushes that I had in the 80s-mid 90s. Tom Selleck, Harrison Ford, Don Mattingly, Perry King, Lee Horsley, Bruce Boxlietner and a few others. I was never into the teen heart-throbs that most girls my age were such as the guys in Duran Duran, Rob Lowe, Matt Dillon, Kevin Bacon, etc..

My grandmother thought that I had a crush on Michael J. Fox just because I liked Back To The Future. She even brought me one of those teenie bopper mags with him on the cover. I kept it for a little while but it eventually got tossed out. Unfortunately, I put the Back To The Future poster in that one instead of the official souvenier magazine by accident so I no longer have that.

I had a scrapbook that I bought at a fleamarket about the time that I first started getting into Duran Duran which was 1993. There were alot of nice John Taylor photos in it. I went through a purging of my scrapbook stuff phase a few years later so that and some my 80s-early 90s items went into the trashcan. I kind of regret this.

I feel rather foolish for having my cute guys scrapbooks now at my age. I'm pretty much over my semi-obsessive Duran Duran/John Taylor phase, thank goodness. I don't want to part with the books, magazines and various other things that I ordered on ebay though. It is a bit embarrasing that I went so bonkers over them. I guess I was making up for not being into them in the 80s. I never understood back then why the girls were going so crazy over that group but now I can see why.

Tennis-2006-present

I used to think that tennis was really boring. I didn't even know that much about it. I was really depressed about my mom being in the hospital and her being so far behind in paying the bills. I put the TV on to watch The Price Is Right and got pretty annoyed that the tennis was on instead. I was going to change the channel but part of me was thinking that the 2 guys were kind of cute so I decided to keep it on and give it a chance. So, if they had been average looking would I have turned this off? I sometimes wonder about that and think how ridiculous this is.

I didn't know who to root for at first- I should be cheering on the American Ginepri,right? That shouldn't matter. It is so bad that part of my brain was thinking "Well, the German guy is a bit cuter" plus I was thinking about how much I enjoyed my trip over there in1989. That seems like a strange reason to be cheering on Haas. I didn't even know the rules but the match was intersting and it was taking my mind off of my sadness.

I had to go to an appointment so I couldn't watch all of Haas' next match but I did set the VCR up to tape it. I never did get around to watching it. I totally forgot who he was playing against until I read that it was Safin like a year later. I was very disappointed that Davydenko beat him in the QF match. My brother was saying "It's only tennis" when I got emotional about it. Oh,but he's allowed to get into his sports- not fair.

Luckily, mom was home from the hospital before the finals so I wasn't feeling as anxious. I was rooting for Federer who did win. After this, I didn't really think that much about the tennis. This is how dense I was- my thoughts were "Well, I guess that I'll have to wait until sometime next spring to see more tennis." I didn't find out until I was watching the French Open that there is plenty of tennis before that, even another major event- the Australian Open. Boy did I feel like an idiot. And when I found out that Haas had made it to the Semi-Finals there and also won the title at Memphis I was even more annoyed at myself for not reading up on the tennis. Part of me is laughing about this- no, it's not that funny.

That was nearly 4 years ago and now I am a fan of many players like Federer, Del Potro, Tsonga, Ferrero, Moya, Blake, Kohlschreiber, Nadal and even Davydenko. I just wish that I could afford the Tennis Channel but the cable bill is high enough. They give us the Golf Channel though- wish that we had more options. There is an exhibition event in Atlantic City that I would love to go to especially because my second favourite player, Safin, is going to be there but that's not in the budget either. I wish that they would be at MSG instead- that might be do-able. It's kind of embarrasing to admit that Haas is still my favourite. He won't be playing for a long time because he recently had hip surgery.

8- Tracks

I was thinking about the 8-Tracks that my family and I used to have. We didn't have that many, maybe 10. Doris Day's Greatest Hits, The Village People, Dolly Parton's Heartbreaker, Englebert Humperdinck, Shenandoha, Oklahoma, and a goofy one with CB related songs on it. There were also 2 Christmas music mix ones- I liked Nat King Cole's Mrs Santa Claus on the one. My friend got me a K-Tel Soundwaves with hits from 1980 on it. I had a couple of K-Tel records too.

My father put an 8-Track player in our 1976 Chevy Malibu station wagon. We thought it was so cool to have this in our car at the time. Our family friends also had one in their car. I remember listening to Billy Joel in their car once and also on the stereo in their home. We had a big stereo that played records and 8-tracks.

I see 8-tracks at flea markets sometimes and laugh a little inside. Am I having a false memory or was there a clicking sound right during the middle of some of the songs and it switched over to the next section? I keep meaning to look up on the internet when 8-tracks first came out and when they offically died. Same with cassette tapes. I still have plenty of those but no 8-tracks, didn't even keep those for nostalgic purposes.

Dreams

I used to have alot of vivid dreams up until about 3 years ago. I do miss this. Many of my dreams are alien abduction ones. Most of the time they are friendly aliens but sometimes they aren't. I'm usually on their ship in a holodeck like in Star Trek or on their planet which they make to look like Earth. There are holograms and or shape shifting aliens as the people. I get to see the stars that I like and/or family members. I've seen Duran Duran and Bon Jovi many times this way. I would write down most of these dreams the next morning in my journal. I didn't keep a seperate dream journal until a few years ago. I did recopy most of the others into it before throwing out those journals. I'm mad that I wasn't more careful and missed some of them. It's always disappointing when I wake up before a dream is over and I wish that there could be a Part 2 to it. Sometimes my nightmares seem less scary then things in my real life, like my anxiety problems and other issues. I'm sure that other people must keep a dream journal. Maybe some people would think this is strange but I enjoy it.

Movies 2

I loved the drive-in movies and wish that they still had one in our area. I don't even know if any are left in New Jersey. There probably aren't many left in the country. Besides seeing Jaws when I was a kid, I remember my cousins taking my brother, their sister Mary and I to see The Black Hole, Roller Boogie and I think The Black Stallion. Mary and I saw Star Trek 3 at the Quakerbridge Mall theater with her brother's girlfriend Sue. My brother is really into Star Trek and I kind of like it too so we've seen most of them together in the theater except for the first 2 which we saw on TV and the last 2. He has yet to see the last one. The only movies that I've ever seen twice in the theater are Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade and The Last Crusade and Spiderman 3. Mary went with me the second time to the former and Mark to the latter. The last movie that I saw was Terminator 4. We never saw the other 3 in the theater. I never even saw the first 2 until the late 90s on TV. I wish that we had seen them on the big screen. There are alot of movies that I'd like to see that way, even the classics. I did see the re-release of the 3 Star Wars movies in the late 90's so technically I have seen Star Wars in a theater but it's not the same as seeing it when it first came out. What were my parents thinking? They took us to the scary Jaws but not to Star Wars. It's kind of funny, I guess.

Movies

I don't really go to the movies much anymore- I used to enjoy this especially when I was a kid. Back then I got to see many of them for free because my Aunt Dorothy and Uncle Al- well, he wasn't officially our Uncle but we thought of him as one- worked in theaters. For a couple of my birthday parties in the 70s he brought the movies to our house and showed them on a screen in the basement. We saw Bedknobs and Broomsticks and Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. One time he showed Young Frankenstein in our yard which was cool. Mom and Dad took us to his drive-in theater to see Jaws which was really scary to my brother and I. We jumped up out of our seats during the one scene when Roy Scheider first saw Jaws close up. I remember some of the other movies that we saw but not all of them. Mom said that we saw all the Disney ones. I mostly remember The Rescuers. We saw all three Muppet movies too. We always wondered why our parents didn't take us to see Star Wars- we did see The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. Raiders of the Lost Ark, 9 to 5, The Incredible Shrinking Woman, On Golden Pond, The Four Seasons and Sheena are others that I recall. Amadeus was definitely the last movie that we saw for free. My father loves classical music so he liked that.

My first new car

I didn't get my first new car until 2005 when I was 35 years old. Before that I had a Chevy Cavalier- 1990 or 1991- that I bought off of a friend of the family in 1998. About a week before the Mellencamp concert, she died on me. Our mechanic said that it wasn't worth fixing. His mom recommended a Hyundai dealership which I was going to go to but a friend of the family suggested a Kia one so he took me there. I had rented a car for the concert which was a Kia Spectra and thought that it wasn't bad. I needed the car that day, but I didn't have my own insurance policy; I was still under my mother's- kind of pathetic. So the primary name on the title is hers. She no longer drives and hasn't since about 2001. I had to take out a bank loan which I've never done before, nor had I rented a car either. It felt nice to finally have a new car. I didn't realize that there is no cassette player in it until I tried putting my Genesis tape in it after the Duran Duran concert 2 weeks later. The stereo did need to be fixed a month later though.

I had it for 3 years before I did something really stupid that caused damage to it and I will never forgive myself for this and am still upset about it. I am a very careful driver. I've only ever had one minor accident and it wasn't entirely my fault. I was coming home from Walgreens with mom. The recycle truck was near our house. My gut instinct said to back up and pull over to a spot temporarily until it passed but unfortunately my brain has been doing alot of stupid things over the past 7 years . I asked my mom if she thought that there was enough room for me to pass that truck and she said sure. I was doubting her but my brain felt overwhelmed and confused and I couldn't trust myself to make the right decision so I went with hers which turned out to be a major mistake and now there is a big dent in the passenger side door that I can't afford to fix. I was semi- freaking out. Afterwards I ran up to my room and was crying for 40 minutes. I couldn't even watch the women's Final of Wimbledon, I was too upset and angry with myself. I ruined a nice car, my first and probably only ever new one. I banged my fists on the floor and put myself down alot, but managed to calm down by listening to my Duran Duran tape. Everytime I hear the recycle truck I have flashbacks of that day.

I seem to be more upset about it lately than I was for a while, not sure why. I still have a year to go before the loan is even paid off. I'd like to get it put entirely in my name afterwards. I just worry everyday that I'll get into an accident- I do have an anxiety problem and driving is definitely part of this. I don't see how I could ever forgive myself for this and let it go.

A couple of times in the past year we've had heavy rains and wind and I noticed that the floor in the back of the driver's side was wet. Part of me is thinking that maybe I should take her to a mechanic but another part of me is saying that it's not a major problem which my mom agrees with. It's so ridiculous that I can't even trust my judgement and get so confused. I did kind of blame my mother for the car screw-up incident which I feel guilty about. I shouldn't have listened to her and went with my smart side but it's like there's some sort of defect in which that part of me gets over-ruled by the illogical side that thinks that it is right- No I don't hear voices or have a split personality or anything like that. I used to have such a nice car.

My Doggies

My first dog was a beautiful sheltie named Rusty. He was very protective of my brother and I. One day a bee was buzzing around me and my Uncle was swatting at it to try to make it go away. Rusty must have thought that he was attacking me so he jumped up on my Uncle and was attacking him. I have a vague recollection of this - I was only about 7 or 8 at the time. Mom and Dad told us that a nice farmer took him to live on a farm with him but years later we found out that he had really been put to sleep which saddened me.

We didn't get another doggie until about a year later from a shelter this time. We saw a very adorable puppy in a cage being picked on by another puppy. We immediately fell in love with her. Grandma- next- door said that Ginger would be a good name for her and we liked this. Grandma always spoiled her. She wouldn't even let Aunt Dorothy's dogs in her house but Ginger was over there often and she'd give her treats like part of a hot dog. I wrote more about her yesterday which got me all emotional . I just wish that we had had her in our lives for more than 7 years.

I did not want another dog after this. Mom did get one and I don't even remember it's name which I feel bad about. She adopted it from a pet fair and we didn't have her that long because she had behavioural problems. I do feel guilty for taking her to the animal shelter and hope that she got adopted. I wish that I had looked into a no kill shelter. Back then I really did not know anything about these. Mom tried again with another terrier mix- Cindy. Same story with her. Maybe many people might think that we didn't try hard enough to retrain these doggies. I'll always feel bad about both these doggies.

Our Mookie came into our lives about a year later. We were at our friend's house. Someone left a doggie in their yard- I don't remember all the details about this. They already had 4 doggies. Mookie sat by mom the entire time. That night we took her home with us. At first I didn't like her but eventually I grew to love her. We had her for about 14 years. She's a lhasa apso/terrier mix.

My brother really wanted to get a cocker spaniel and I wanted one too. One day when Mom and I were visiting my Aunt in South Jersey we were going to go to the flea market but it was raining so we went to the pet store nearby instead. We saw some cocker spaniels and mom asked if any of them were girls. The salesclerk said no but luckily another one said that they had one in the back. It was love at first sight. I already had a name for her- Buffy. She was such a good girl during the hour drive home, although she did try getting over to mom's lap many times. Even from day one she was a grandma's girl. We stopped at a fruit and veg stand. Buffy had a little accident in the car which would not have happened if we weren't stupid and bought a leash. I would've walked around with her while mom bought her tomatoes. She is like a gift from God- if it hadn't been raining that day we wouldn't have found her. She just turned 12 in February and I wish that she could be around for a few more years but because of her multiple organ problems it might only be a few more months. She is so spoiled and loving. My favourite part of the day is when we sit on the couch together. I remember how much she used to love playing with her pet rocks. I have alot of pictures of her and Mookie. They were good friends. It was very stupid that I didn't take that many puppy pictures of her though- only like 14. I could go on and on about her and probably will mention her more in the future but now it's time for us to sit together and watch The Price Is Right.

My Ginger pup

I think about my dog Ginger alot. I only had her for about 7 years but it should have been longer. She was really sick but my dad wouldn't pay the vet bill to find out what was wrong with her and just had her put to sleep. It might have been just something like an infection and medicine would have made her better. I can never forgive him for this. Maybe God is displeased with me for thinking this way. She was my best friend and would always comfort me when I was upset, especially when my parents were arguing. She's a terrier mix who looked a little like Benji. We got her in 1979, I think, and by the fall of 1986 she was no longer around. I hope that someday I get to see her and all my doggies again. One day she somehow got into a bottle of cough syrup and drank nearly the whole thing and was foaming at the mouth- poor baby. She loved playing with empty plastic soda bottles. I wish that I could remember more of the good times that I had with her but my brain seems to hold onto the bad memories which are very vivid and the good ones are hazy and seem just like a dream.

I wish that my family and I never took that trip to Virginia in late summer 1986. Ginger started getting sick shortly after we returned. We had put her in the boarding place at the vet's office- she must have picked up a sickness of some sort there. Usually my uncle took care of her when we went away but he wasn't able to that time. Am I a terrible person for still being so angry at my dad? He was always willing to lend money to his brothers and sister which they hardly ever paid back yet he wouldn't give us money to find out what was wrong with my doggie- he knew how much that I loved her. Maybe he was mad at me for some reason and took out his anger in this way. Maybe if I visited his mother more like he wanted me to he would've paid for that vet bill. It's really not fair if that's the case. I can't seem to let this go. Ginger was the best doggie ever. I love our Buffy now too, but she's more of a grandma's girl and Ginger was definitely my girl.

My Buffy

I haven't been here in a very long time and would like to try to get back into the blogging thing . I doubt that many people will read it but that's o'kay. I read a good blog today about an old woman and all the dogs that she's had and enjoyed that. I was thinking about my doggies afterwards and how I still miss all of them and how sad I am that soon my 12 year old cocker spaniel will no longer be with us because she has multiple organ problems. I found out about this 9 months ago. I am trying not to partly blame myself for some of this but it's hard. If only I hadn't been such a selfish cow and gotten her the more expensive allergy meds instead of the steroids than maybe she'd live longer. I also blame the vet who said that we'll watch her levels and if they start getting too high they'll take her off that med. The woman waited too long and the levels got too high and the damage was done. I love my Buffy pup so much and hate myself for wasting so much money on clothes, jewelry, beanie babies, collectibles and other stuff. More on this subject to come. I need to give Buffy a big hug now and get her dinner.