My mom fell down the stairs today

I took my mom to her doctor today and she fell down 9 steps in that building. I couldn't help letting out a scream. Maybe people were thinking that I was over reacting. I was so worried that she might've hurt herself. The doctor came out of the office and asked her if she was okay and mom said that she hit her head on the wall but felt fine. She was able to walk into the office which was a good sign but I was and still am worried that she has some sort of internal damage.

She did do damage to her eyeglasses. I can't afford to buy her a new pair. I feel so guilty that part of my thinking besides being worried about her health was that I can't afford any more medical bills of hers. She already has many of them. She is on Medicare but this doesn't cover everything and because she gets an alimony check from Dad each month she can't qualify for Medicaid. It's only 187.oo. Then there's the expense of all her meds. Maybe God is displeased with me for these thoughts.

The pathetic thing is that both my brother and I get disability checks too. We have not worked in years - I'm too embarrased to admit how many. And when I did work the longest job that I had was 15 months. I had so many jobs in only 8 years - I think it was about 10, maybe more. I'm sure that many people would not be understanding of our mental issues and I don't even know why I'm mentioning all this on a blog- I usually just vent it out to my therapist and in my journal.

I do have a few hundred dollars saved but that is for my US Open tickets. Maybe I'm being kind of selfish but I really don't want to have to sacrafice going to this event to buy mom new frames and possibly lenses. I also need to get new glasses but I am putting that off because I need to have some fun in my life. I don't get much of this because of all the expenses that I have to worry about. I had to take charge of the bill paying because mom let things fall way behind 4 years ago.

I did help mom fill out charity care forms for the 2 hospitals but we haven't heard anything about this yet. I'm just praying that she's accepted otherwise that's another 750.00 that I have to worry about. If she had applied for this at the one hospital 4 years ago we wouldn't have to be doing monthly payments of 25.00 for that bill. I was ignoring it for months foolishly thinking that it would go away but the bill collector took us to court over this. What's done is done, I know, but it's sometimes hard not to beat myself up over that.

I will return to my usual type of topics next time. Possibly a music one. I am trying to get out of this negative frame of mind now - Buffy is looking at me so I'll go sit with her and pet her which always cheers me up.