June 4- Anxiety Issue

People would think that I am a complete freak if they knew some of the things that make me anxious. Just hearing the phone ring makes me feel this way. I really don’t like talking on the phone. I can’t remember the last time that I felt comfortable doing so, probably grade school, which sounds so pathetic. I mostly let the answering machine kick in and if it’s really important, like mom’s pharmacy, I pick it up.

   When Cindy and Jessica visited their grandparents- our next- door neighbors Mr. and Mrs. K- I always waited for them to call me. So even when I was a kid I had a bit of phone phobia. Kelly was the only person that I wasn’t afraid to call.

    Dad definitely didn’t like when I was on the phone with her or when we hung out together. He didn’t mind Cindy and Jessica though because he was friends with their grandparents.

   I was afraid to call Cindy in PA to ask her if anyone had found the pretty anklet that Kathy gave me. It must’ve fallen off when we were playing Frisbee in the field across the street from their house or elsewhere during her graduation party.

   I was so nervous when I finally did call there. Her other grandma who lived with them answered the phone. She said that no one had found my anklet which was disappointing.

   My brother still teases me about one of the boys that had been at that party, saying that he was throwing the Frisbee to me a lot because he liked me; I don’t think so. No cute boys would ever look at a plain girl like me. I had the big glasses back then which made me look even more unattractive.

   I’m certain that if my Aunt Ann knew that the real reason that I didn’t go to her daughter Missy’s wedding was because I was feeling very anxious that she would be very disappointed in me. I told mom to tell her that I was feeling really sick.

    Well, that was partly true- sick in the head from the tension. I can’t even feel comfortable around my own family; that’s extremely pathetic. They aren’t monsters so why should I be afraid of them?

   I know that a big part of the reason that I feel so anxious around them is that I feel like a total loser and that I don’t belong with successful, happy people such as them. This is true in other cases too like when I’m at concerts and hear people talking about their jobs, kids, social live, etc...

   My anxiety issues probably have been around since I was a little kid. I backed out of doing the baton twirling in our town’s parade in the mid-1970s- Bicentennial of 1976, I think. I was too afraid plus kept telling myself that I wasn’t any good at it.

   Mike and I still feel really bad about not answering the door when Dad’s Uncle Nick came over to visit one day. We hid in the sky blue room until he left. That would have been the last time that we saw him before he died soon afterwards- late 80s? 

   We always got him either a flannel shirt or handkerchiefs as Christmas gifts. He would give Mike and me $1.00 each time that he visited but he’d hand both bills to me and say “Give it to him”.

   It was so mean that I didn’t even acknowledge Uncle Nick when he waved and said hi to mom and me when we were near our town’s store. He was sitting on the steps of the senior center. I pretended that I hadn’t even seen him. That was in the late 90s, after he had a major stroke that affected his speech just like grandma.

   Uncle Nick was my godfather. He was a Marine and a Vietnam War vet. He taught us such life lessons as “Look both ways before crossing the street”, “Don’t talk with your mouth full”, and “Don’t sit too close to the TV, you’ll ruin your eyesight.”

    I do feel guilty about avoiding both uncles and other people but I just can’t help it. It’s like an automatic response. Most people want to make connections with others but I always have feelings of anxiety even just thinking about doing so.

   Obviously, I haven’t totally isolated myself and have been in relationships so I’m not a complete freak. I have never truly felt comfortable around most people though and haven’t in a very long time.

    I was too scared to join clubs in high school. I was in the Service one but only for half a year. I worked in the bookstore sometimes. My teacher wanted me to join her Spanish Club. I was very good in that class. She was disappointed that I did not do this and also that I didn’t take a 3^rd year of that language.

   She liked my Easter project so much that she hung it up in her classroom. I should have never even used that drawing of bunnies that I did as a kid for this. I was very stupid for being afraid to ask her to return it to me. I redrew it eventually, but it wasn’t as nice as the original.  

    I’m trying not to think about all that I’ve missed out on and the regrets that I have thanks to my fears and anxieties. It’s not healthy mentally to dwell on these. My mind does seem to drift back to them a lot though.

   I have done some strange things to avoid socialization. I pretended that I had fallen asleep when I was at a party with my boyfriend in either 1999 or 2000. I could hear people talking about 2 shows that I liked back then- “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “The X-Files”. Part of me wished that I hadn’t been too afraid to join in on this conversation.

    I could have seen Blondie when they were performing at a festival event in Clark 3 or 4 years ago but I didn’t think that I could handle being around the large crowd that surely turned up for this. Smokey Robinson was at a balloon festival in Readington which is a little past Somerville, I think. I was too afraid to drive there.  I really wish that I had been able to overcome my anxieties for both of these events.

   Normals would probably say that I need to get over my low self-esteem and anxiety issues and move on by getting a job and trying to be a part of society. I know this, but they aren’t in my head so they don’t realize how much of a struggle this is.

   They might say “Stop making excuses” too. Would they think that I am being self-centered in a way also for even being too afraid to do volunteer work somewhere?

   Surely Amy would say that I have been doing so well lately with my anxiety issues, giving all those concert experiences as an example. I can only give myself minimal credit for that. These are just fun activities that are more like fantasyland and not the reality of having a job and friends. 

 

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