June 4- Anxiety Issue
People would think that I am a complete freak if they knew
some of the things that make me anxious. Just hearing the phone ring makes me
feel this way. I really don’t like talking on the phone. I can’t remember the
last time that I felt comfortable doing so, probably grade school, which sounds
so pathetic. I mostly let the answering machine kick in and if it’s really
important, like mom’s pharmacy, I pick it up.
When Cindy and Jessica
visited their grandparents- our next- door neighbors Mr. and Mrs. K- I always
waited for them to call me. So even when I was a kid I had a bit of phone
phobia. Kelly was the only person that I wasn’t afraid to call.
Dad definitely didn’t like when I was on the
phone with her or when we hung out together. He didn’t mind Cindy and Jessica
though because he was friends with their grandparents.
I was afraid to call Cindy in PA to ask her
if anyone had found the pretty anklet that Kathy gave me. It must’ve fallen off
when we were playing Frisbee in the field across the street from their house or
elsewhere during her graduation party.
I was so nervous
when I finally did call there. Her other grandma who lived with them answered
the phone. She said that no one had found my anklet which was disappointing.
My brother still
teases me about one of the boys that had been at that party, saying that he was
throwing the Frisbee to me a lot because he liked me; I don’t think so. No cute
boys would ever look at a plain girl like me. I had the big glasses back then
which made me look even more unattractive.
I’m certain that if
my Aunt Ann knew that the real reason that I didn’t go to her daughter Missy’s
wedding was because I was feeling very anxious that she would be very
disappointed in me. I told mom to tell her that I was feeling really sick.
Well, that was partly true- sick in the head
from the tension. I can’t even feel comfortable around my own family; that’s
extremely pathetic. They aren’t monsters so why should I be afraid of them?
I know that a big
part of the reason that I feel so anxious around them is that I feel like a
total loser and that I don’t belong with successful, happy people such as them.
This is true in other cases too like when I’m at concerts and hear people
talking about their jobs, kids, social live, etc...
My anxiety issues
probably have been around since I was a little kid. I backed out of doing the
baton twirling in our town’s parade in the mid-1970s- Bicentennial of 1976, I
think. I was too afraid plus kept telling myself that I wasn’t any good at it.
Mike and I still
feel really bad about not answering the door when Dad’s Uncle Nick came over to
visit one day. We hid in the sky blue room until he left. That would have been
the last time that we saw him before he died soon afterwards- late 80s?
We always got him
either a flannel shirt or handkerchiefs as Christmas gifts. He would give Mike
and me $1.00 each time that he visited but he’d hand both bills to me and say
“Give it to him”.
It was so mean that
I didn’t even acknowledge Uncle Nick when he waved and said hi to mom and me
when we were near our town’s store. He was sitting on the steps of the senior
center. I pretended that I hadn’t even seen him. That was in the late 90s,
after he had a major stroke that affected his speech just like grandma.
Uncle Nick was my
godfather. He was a Marine and a Vietnam War vet. He taught us such life
lessons as “Look both ways before crossing the street”, “Don’t talk with your
mouth full”, and “Don’t sit too close to the TV, you’ll ruin your eyesight.”
I do feel guilty
about avoiding both uncles and other people but I just can’t help it. It’s like
an automatic response. Most people want to make connections with others but I always
have feelings of anxiety even just thinking about doing so.
Obviously, I
haven’t totally isolated myself and have been in relationships so I’m not a
complete freak. I have never truly felt comfortable around most people though
and haven’t in a very long time.
I was too scared to join clubs in high school.
I was in the Service one but only for half a year. I worked in the bookstore
sometimes. My teacher wanted me to join her Spanish Club. I was very good in
that class. She was disappointed that I did not do this and also that I didn’t
take a 3rd year of that language.
She liked my Easter
project so much that she hung it up in her classroom. I should have never even
used that drawing of bunnies that I did as a kid for this. I was very stupid
for being afraid to ask her to return it to me. I redrew it eventually, but it
wasn’t as nice as the original.
I’m trying not to
think about all that I’ve missed out on and the regrets that I have thanks to
my fears and anxieties. It’s not healthy mentally to dwell on these. My mind
does seem to drift back to them a lot though.
I have done some
strange things to avoid socialization. I pretended that I had fallen asleep
when I was at a party with my boyfriend in either 1999 or 2000. I could hear
people talking about 2 shows that I liked back then- “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”
and “The X-Files”. Part of me wished that I hadn’t been too afraid to join in
on this conversation.
I could have seen Blondie when they were
performing at a festival event in Clark 3 or 4 years ago but I didn’t think
that I could handle being around the large crowd that surely turned up for
this. Smokey Robinson was at a balloon festival in Readington which is a little
past Somerville, I think. I was too afraid to drive there. I really wish that I had been able to overcome
my anxieties for both of these events.
Normals would
probably say that I need to get over my low self-esteem and anxiety issues and
move on by getting a job and trying to be a part of society. I know this, but
they aren’t in my head so they don’t realize how much of a struggle this is.
They might say
“Stop making excuses” too. Would they think that I am being self-centered in a
way also for even being too afraid to do volunteer work somewhere?
Surely Amy would say that I have been doing so well lately with my anxiety issues, giving all those concert experiences as an example. I can only give myself minimal credit for that. These are just fun activities that are more like fantasyland and not the reality of having a job and friends.
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Bookmark
Placemat
My Drawing
Bicentennial Parade
The X Files
