I Feel Like A Freak

I wanted to write a post today about tennis or maybe more toys and games but I'm feeling very overwhelmed and confused. And frustrated too. Typing is very diffucult for me and I seem to take forever at it and am constantly making mistakes. I got a C in this class in high school. Sometimes I just want to give up and not even blog anymore but a part of me disagrees with this.

I have this inner conflict about reaching out and connecting with people. It does feel nice to do so but part of me is saying why bother. That sounds pretty bad but I can't help it. I've always felt like an outsider. I would mostly watch the other girls on the playground only occassionally interacting with them. I was such a nerd/bookworm. It was worse in high school. I'd rather not even remember those days.

I do better socializing with people that I'll never see again, like at concerts or when I go shopping. I feel awkward even around my own family. It's like I'm an alien sent to Earth to simply observe humanity. Part of me wishes that I could just be normal and not such a freak.

I am enjoying reading people's blogs and it is nice that people have been reading mine. It can be kind of overwhelming though because I'm always criticizing myself for not doing a good enough job of expressing myself here just like in real life. When I was younger I dreamed of being a writer but I don't see that ever happening.

Maybe I'll just stick to reading blogs this weekend and leaving comments. Maybe by next week I'll be in the mood to try to write again. There are so many that I'd like to read though. I do have some difficulties with reading which I'll get into at another time, perhaps.