Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Crushes/Shame

My brother was teasing me about Federer yet again, calling me a cougar. No matter how many times that I tell him that I don't like Federer and certain other guys in that way, he never believes me. I know that I shouldn't even let it get to me but it's hard not to. He's been teasing me about guys since I was 11 years old and still does so about a few of them from my childhood, like Don Mattingly. I'm picturing us in our 80s and even if he's going senile he will continue to do this.

I never really went through a boy crazy phase until my mid-30's. That sounds pretty ridiculous. I had those few innocent crushes when I was younger but it wasn't until I went to my first Bon Jovi concert in 2000 that this silly phase kicked in. I wish that it hadn't and that my thoughts had stayed pure. Blame it on Jon Bon Jovi. I'm sure it must've just been coincidence.

I can't help feeling embarrased about these crushes mostly because of the unwanted dirty thoughts. The worst part is that a couple of the innocent ones have been tainted by this- John Taylor and David Boreanaz. To me, even checking out a guy's butt and thinking nice seems dirty. A few incidents in my past have probably caused this way of thinking. I don't really want to get into some of that though- too personal.

I remember the time that I was staring at one of my crushes in grade school. It must've been 1982. He came over to me and said "Don't stare at me anymore" I know that I shouldn't let me affect me all these years later but it sort of still does. I even had that line in my head when I was at a Duran Duran concert in Central Park. I was close to the stage right in front of John Taylor and I was picturing him saying this to me.

I have very low self-esteem and think that I'm a very plain looking girl who shouldn't be staring at cute guys or going ga-ga over them. A couple of girls called me Bride of Frankenstein once when I was a teenager. That's still in my head too. Let it all go would be the logical thing to do but this is very difficult.

I have had some boyfriends- 5, I think. Sometimes I'd like to pretend that I've never had any at all or just remember the friendship part of these relationships. I guess that a small part of me wanted to get something out of the nasty part of it but I don't think that I ever truly did. I hate that the dirty dreams started happening in 2001 and that part of me actually enjoys them. I'm sure that many people would think that I'm strange for feeling this way.

I am trying to work on this shame issue and have even been making a joke out of it. I looked at a top 10 cute guy rankings list that I wrote in my journal a couple of years ago and tried to convince myself that none of them are all that but the side of me that I refer to as my annoying bad side totally disagreed. Can't I just be neutral about guys? That would be a relief.

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